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Keeping Up Appearances

A She Thing

Last week I met three friends at a Mexican place for dinner. As each girl arrived, there arose a chorus of compliments: "I love your glasses." "Your hair's getting long — it looks good." "Cute shirt."

It's nice to get those affirmations — maybe that's why I spent an extra half hour getting ready for this dinner. Because it's nice to hear that you look good, and a girls' gathering is a pretty prime trading post for that kind of compliment.

Hair products, makeup, pretty clothes — they're endemic to girlhood, I guess. I think almost every girl I know devotes a certain amount of mental energy to her appearance. It's one of those things that is so obvious it feels weird to say so out loud — it's almost like describing clouds as "white and fluffy."

But sometimes our pursuit of "hotness" goes wrong. Sometimes it becomes an obsession that threatens our sanity on a regular basis. Other times, it blends with a kind of general materialism and chokes our spiritual lives with an influx of purchases.

And so, even as we shop and try out new products and work on our hair, maybe we need an occasional check of our priorities.

The Public Body

Earlier this year, France enacted a law that restricts communication that might "provoke a person to seek excessive thinness by encouraging prolonged restriction of nourishment."¹ The law specifically targets pro-anorexia websites, but also has implications for the fashion industry. It's the first law of its kind, and a symbol of an epidemic so severe and striking that some are advocating public action.

And how did this epidemic start? According to popular wisdom, changes in standards of beauty — brought on in part by mass media — are leaving some people behind, struggling to achieve an ideal that can only be gained through unhealthy means.

This phenomenon is a standard part of popular discourse — everything from Dove ads to Tyra Banks' talk show has something to say about body image. And here I have to confess that I have trouble interacting with the whole body-image dialogue. For one thing, some of the language about societal pressure to look a certain way is starting to feel a little worn out and ineffective.

In one episode of the television show, The Office, Michael Scott holds a "women's issues" meeting. And he rails against magazines for portraying women as "skinny, blond goddesses" even though, among the majority of women, "even the hot ones aren't really that skinny" (and here he gestures to Pam, predictably). See, if Michael Scott starts talking about something, that automatically makes it seem a little irrelevant and off the mark.

For another thing, most of the beauty-standards talk seems to center on weight, and weight issues don't really encompass my particular troubles with appearance. The thing is, I've always been skinny, but I've had my moments of hating my body just like anyone, even if I didn't wish it to be thinner.

I can never tell if my experience is representative of all women's, but the beauty thing — even if not exactly the body-image thing — has certainly added some drama to my life. Maybe because my awkward stage was so spectacularly awkward, I've always felt this need for some kind of concrete redemption in the beauty category. You know the thoughts — Maybe if I dated the guy who was the meanest to me in middle school, that would make everything OK. But things haven't worked out that way, exactly. Despite my best efforts, my real life continually refuses to play out like chick lit.

And maybe other women share this with me. Judging by all the talking we do about beauty standards, it would seem a lot of us are hoping for some redemption, whether it's a sense of the worthiness of our body type or the public acknowledgment that something is amiss in our culture's perceptions of beauty. Maybe some of us are a little wounded, and that makes the appearance category a good candidate for obsession.

A Different World

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to belong to a heavenly kingdom here in the midst of an earthly one. Being citizens of heaven means we have a special set of values. Where the world fights and competes and looks out for number one at the expense of all else, we … don't. And, I would say, where the world snickers at someone's outfit or devalues her for not measuring up to some physical standard, we shouldn't. Even if that person is ourselves.

I think it's fair to say that we live in an image-driven culture. Maybe we need to rebel against that a little bit.

First Peter 3 (you knew I was going there, didn't you?) says this: "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight" (vv. 3,4 NIV).

I don't think God is against our pursuit of cuteness (within healthy boundaries, of course). But maybe those physical touches we put on ourselves work better when they reflect something nonphysical about us. Maybe having a pretty exterior just isn't as important as having a pretty heart. And maybe the soul of femininity isn't how we look, but an energy, a creativity, a kindness.

Seeking — and Finding — Redemption

So real life doesn't always read like chick lit. Makeup and diets don't bring about the redemption we want. But I think redemption is still possible. We just might not find it in the places we usually look.

Our celebration of the Nativity fast is coming up. From mid-November to midnight on December 24, my church goes on a restricted diet (there's a pass for Thanksgiving) in preparation for Christmas. One of the purposes of fasting, I've been told, is to remind ourselves of our souls' needs and our dependence on God. We remove ourselves from our usual running and striving so that we can be quiet and attentive to prayer.

Maybe for some of us, this season would be a good time for a cosmetics fast. If we take ourselves out of our usual pursuit of beauty, we might better understand why we do what we do — and better understand those areas in which we need God's help. No, no, I'm not suggesting you stop washing your hair. Maybe just press "pause" on clothes shopping, and give the money you would have spent to a worthy cause.

C O F F E E  S H O P

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What do you do to avoid the pull to obsess over your appearance?

Join the discussion!

But whether you're the girl who usually feels confident and happens to spend a lot of time reading Lucky, or the girl whose inner monologue very often turns into a litany of physical flaws, maybe we could all stand to turn it all off for a while. Pray. And let's try to devote the same attention to our souls that we devote to our looks.