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Facing Insecurities

Those Were The Days

Remember junior high? Yeah, unfortunately I do too. My hair was too poofy, my eyebrows were too thick and my clothes were lacking quite a bit in the style department. I'd also go into crazy giggling fits that annoyed everyone, including myself. I was keenly aware of everything wrong with me but felt powerless to change any of it. Needless to say, I was insecure.

As an early teen, I was constantly second-guessing myself, wondering why my friends would "forget" to invite me to sleepovers and why boys never wanted my instant message screenname. But luckily I made it through those awkward years and put them behind me. I moved on to college. Cool, confident, mature and wise. I was spending a semester at the Focus on the Family Institute in Colorado Springs, living my dream … so why did I once again feel insecure?

On the outside, I seemed to be doing fine, but inside I was a mess. I was always second-guessing myself, feeling down, silently judging every word I said and action I performed.

If someone failed to reply to my friendly hello in the hallway, I would wonder why they didn't like me. If I heard other students outside in the parking lot talking and getting into a car, I wondered where they were going and why they hadn't invited me. I was constantly comparing myself to others and figuring out what I needed to change about myself. It was ridiculous.

Shifting Focus

In the midst of an experience that should have brought nothing but joy, I felt alone and unworthy. I had been listening to and believing lies. Satan attacked me in my vulnerability and told me that God wasn't enough, and therefore, I wasn't enough.

But God's truth is stronger than those lies, and He has a way of revealing that truth to me when I need it most.

One day I was sitting in chapel, feeling sorry for myself and trying to look pitiful so someone would come over and talk to me. I happened to glance up at the screen and saw an announcement about needing more people to help with a certain ministry. And then it hit me: If my main purpose was to serve and love others, I wouldn't be so caught up in whether or not they liked me. It wouldn't be about impressing people. I was so focused on myself and trying to look good, sound good and win approval from my classmates that I wasn't even considering how I could help them.

Not only did my insecurity keep me from fully enjoying my experience, but it also kept me from doing God's work. As it says in Ephesians, "We are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" (2:10, NIV).

The truth is, I am a piece of artwork — created by God just the way He wanted, and He has a purpose and a plan for me.

When we spend so much time focusing on our insecurities, we often miss the chances God has for us to serve others. How much of an effort was I making to reach out to other people? I'm sure I wasn't the only one feeling lonely, but I was too self-absorbed to see that I needed to make the first move.

It Takes Time … and Effort

Before you think that my whole semester was awful, let me assure you that it ended up being one of my favorite experiences. Despite my best efforts to remain lonely and miserable, I left the Institute with tears streaming down my face, torn apart at the reality of saying goodbye to so many amazing people. Through the inward struggles I was facing, God taught me a lot about myself, about Himself and about relationships. No matter how small I was feeling on the inside, God had given me a job to do — a job that required loving other people.

I realize this is kind of obvious, but somewhere between first semester of freshman year and spring of sophomore year, I'd forgotten that friendships take time, that there was a point where my friendships were just getting started. In a large group, such as the Institute, it takes a while before you really get to know people. Instead of embracing this reality, I blamed myself and faded into the scenery rather than taking advantage of the opportunities to grow and become more intentional about building relationships. I didn't want to follow God's call to reach out to people. I lazily expected them to reach out to me.

We are told that, above all else, we are to love each other deeply (1 Peter 4:8).That takes work. I've been blessed with so many friendships that just "clicked." But this time it took effort. I had to be more proactive in seeking out closer relationships. Already in a state of uncertainty, the idea of approaching people and asking "Will you be my best friend?" was a threatening image (to me and to the poor girl cornered by such an awkward question).

So I decided to take a subtler route — I asked one of the girls to get coffee with me. One Saturday morning, over lattes, we were surprised to realize that we'd just spent the last three hours talking. After that, we'd seek each other out in class or at events and see how things were going. All it took was one little get-together and our friendship moved beyond the surface level to something deeper. Through that relationship, I learned that if I submit to God's will and make myself vulnerable in front of another person, then He will bless me.

By the end of the semester, I had several friendships in which I was able to be a shoulder for them to cry on and a listener when they needed to talk. It was no longer just about me having someone to watch a movie with at night. I was given a chance to actually be there for someone — to serve and love my friends. By focusing on the needs of others, I was able to overcome my insecurity.

Lonely but not Alone

At the beginning of my semester, I wondered why God was allowing me to feel so lonely. I'm beginning to realize that sometimes God wants us to feel alone. Not to torture us or cause us pain, but in order to draw us closer to Him. When I'm surrounded by friends all the time, I often find myself shoving God into the background. When He's all I have, I learn that He's all I really need. He still wants us to work at relationships, but we need to learn to be content in all circumstances. If Paul could be content in prison, not knowing whether he'd even live another day, then I think I can learn to be content with not having plans every Friday night. Paul had confidence because he was following God's will. Once I began following God's plan for me to love others, I also gained confidence.

Then and Now

I wish I could look back at that semester and know that I had lived up to my potential. But I can't. I made mistakes. I missed out. But I've learned my lesson.

C O F F E E  S H O P

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How have you dealt with your insecurities?

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Since junior high, I've discovered how to control my hair and tweeze my eyebrows, but some of my insecurities still remain. Thankfully, God used my semester at the Institute to teach me some things about myself. I learned that He supplies all my needs, and that He wants me to serve others and focus less on myself. He knows and loves me, and His plans won't fail. So take that, insecurity!