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Love Your Brother: Why Guys Need Our Respect, Part 1

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I am not always the most respectful person. I perhaps have, very rarely — on occasion — directed a sarcastic comment or two toward someone … or pretty much I do this everyday. I do it with my friends, my coworkers, my roommates, my family, the guy who picks up our garbage, the squirrel who rummages through our garbage — sometimes I even insult the garbage itself. Stupid garbage.

Most people know that I do this for fun — they don't take my comments seriously (I hope). It's kind of just my nature; I think sarcastic things are funny and I like to think of sarcastic things to say.

Now that I've bored you with all the amazing facets of my sense of humor, let me get to my point. Sarcasm, or pointing out other people's shortcomings, can be funny when done in a lighthearted manner. However, I have realized that the comments I think are funny can definitely get old after awhile, and they can bring down someone's self confidence whether I (or they) realize it or not. When the sarcasm goes overboard, people can feel disrespected, and that's no bueno.

Good point, Denise, you say. But why is this article in the Women's Hall? Don't men need to hear this information as well? Excellent question and thank you for asking.

I do think that men need to hear this too. However, the reason I'm talking about this subject specifically as it relates to women is that I've noticed that I — as a woman — need to do a better job of respecting the men in my life. Although I think it's important for me to respect women as well, I think there is a big difference between the way men absorb disrespect and the way women absorb it. Both are harmful — but in different ways. And over the next couple of articles, I would like to chat with you about how we women can better respect the men in our lives.

And before I get started, I want to point out that I don't believe this is a submission issue at all — so don't come to the Coffee Shop all riled up about me promoting women being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. That's not what this is about. This conversation is about women respecting men in a way that makes for stronger, healthier men and women. OK? All right, let's move on then.

Find Out What It Means to Men

Some of you may have heard of Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' book, Love & Respect. Some of you may not have. Either way, here's a little summary:

The book's premise is that men and women communicate very differently. (Any of you who have been in a relationship can probably confirm this with either vigorous nods, sighs of frustration, eye rolling or hands thrown up in the air.) We communicate differently, and we also receive things differently. Eggerichs posits that relationships work best when women feel loved and men feel respected. Unfortunately, Eggerichs argues, women naturally show more love than respect, and men naturally show more respect than love. So, in the end, women don't feel loved like they should, although the men respect them and vice versa. It's a wicked crazy cycle of mis-communicated love/respect.

Anyhoo, I tend to agree with the majority of this premise, mainly because of personal experience. I don't mean this boastfully, but I know that there are some people who respect me. They think I'm a good person, admire my accomplishments, blah, blah, blah. I appreciate this respect and it makes me feel good. However, I know that it means more to me when people love me. To feel loved, cared for and cherished is important to me. (That last line sounded very stereotypically girly, which I don't necessarily think I am, but it's true.) I want to be loved, plain and simple.

And, from what I've heard from my male friends and the guys who attend the Focus on the Family Institute, they really want to be respected. They want to know that the men and women around them feel that they are capable, trustworthy and competent, in general — respectable. It gives them confidence and helps them work at actually living up to the "respectable" title.

I think this is true, especially from what I've seen with my guy friends. If one of your guy friends disappoints you, it might not bother him all that much if you tell him you're angry with him. But if you tell him that what he did caused disappointment in him or even caused you to lose some respect for him, I bet that would cause him to reevaluate his actions. Receiving respect is very important to guys, and when they lose it, it affects them.

Eggerichs gets a lot of the material for his book from the passage in Ephesians 5 that talks about husbands and wives. In it, Paul says, "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (v.33, NIV).

Paul asks that husbands and wives show their appreciation and affection for one another in two different ways. Some would probably argue that Paul was just a big sexist — going around demanding that women respect men all over the place. But, I think Paul has a point here. What he says just makes practical sense. While both men and women need to be respected and loved, in general, men and women process these two things differently and feel the need for each of them in opposite ways. Paul telling husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands is smart and practical because it's recognizing and acknowledging those differences.

Isn't Respect Something You Earn?

When I first heard this, it kind of rubbed me the wrong way. Somehow, the word respect, when applied to men, felt similar to the word submission — another topic that's been known to cause a heated argument or two (hundred).

But why did I feel this way about respect? I think it may have to do with my idea of what both "love" and "respect" mean.

You see, in my mind, everyone is deserving of love. It's something that we are to give unconditionally, something that's been given to me and I should give to others. I might not have a lot of respect for a family member, but of course I'll always love them.

But deep and true respect, on the other hand, feels like something that needs to be earned. Of course, we are to have a certain level of respect for everyone we meet, but according to the way I've always thought (which makes it automatically correct, right?) true respect and honor is something you have to show me you're worthy of. I also seem to think of respect in terms of someone who is in charge of me — I should respect my boss, my parents, my elders. Whatever you may believe about men's and women's roles within marriage is one thing, but do I really have to show authority-like respect to my guy friends?

The answer, I believe, is "yes" and "no."

We do not need to respect the men in our lives as authority figures (unless some of them are). Showing respect for guys does not include doing what they tell you or being at their beck and call. In fact, I would argue that sometimes not doing what they ask of you and not being at their beck and call may be more respectful to them in the long run. (Someone please remind me to continue that tangent and turn it into an article someday.)

In my opinion, the respect we should show for the guys in our lives should be based on our desire to love them the way they need to be loved. It's recognizing what's important to men (whether or not we fully understand it). It's looking "not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others" (Philippians 2:4).

To Be Continued

C O F F E E  S H O P

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Do you think women should show men respect?

Join the discussion!

But hey, when Paul was talking about love and respect, wasn't he specifically talking to husbands and wives? Why should I have to respect the random dude who keeps talking on his cell phone during my biology class?

Another well-phrased question, Denise. We'll address it next month .