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Straight Talk

Conspiracy Theorists

As girls, my friends and I have perfected the skill of overanalyzing. We are able to read into almost every conversation, gesture and facial expression imaginable. In fact, if overanalyzing were an Olympic sport, we would most likely take home the gold for the good old USA. Here's a typical conversation about a guy:

Friend: Did you see the way he glanced in her general direction? He totally must love her.

Me: Yeah, he does. Yesterday he told her that the Denver Nuggets won their game. I mean, why would he even mention that unless he wanted to take her to a Nuggets game sometime soon?

Friend: And, the other day, I saw him at Wal-Mart — buying cheese. You know that she loves cheese — they are so meant for each other. He was probably getting the cheese to have on hand in case she came over.

Me: Yeah, totally. He definitely likes her. It is so obvious.

Pitifully, that hypothetical exchange is not all that much of an exaggeration. However, my friends and I are not alone in our tendency to make mountains out of mole hills. It seems to be a trend among women — especially when it comes to guys.

Putting the Cart Before the Boyfriend

It's amazing, really, how so many women are able to pick up these obvious signals that guys don't even know they're giving out. For example: If he smiles at you, it means he has been thinking about you day and night. If he says hello, he is most likely planning to ask you out for Friday evening. If he smiles and says hello, pick out your wedding dress immediately; he has obviously chosen a ring and will be proposing later today.

We females really do read into a lot of what guys say and do. Now, I do think there are plenty of guys who act in a way that would make a girl think he's interested. This can cause incredible confusion for both sides, resulting in hurt feelings, awkwardness and ruined friendships. I could spend plenty of time talking about how guys fail at communication. However, this article is aimed at women and our responsibility in more effectively handling relationships. Besides, Micah is yelling at the boys over in his article, "The Art of Miscommunication."

The Games We Play

I think that part of the reason girls analyze every little detail is that we've made dating relationships — and even friendships in some cases — into a pastime. We even call it "the dating game" for goodness' sake. We are constantly trying to interpret what the other person is thinking, and then planning ways to subtly respond without giving away what we're truly feeling. It's really quite silly and childish, but it's something we often carry a long way into adulthood.

Since many Christians feel that it is biblical for the guy to be the leader in pursuing a relationship, this lack of communication often leaves women waiting a long time to hear what the guy has to say — or searching desperately for signals that communicate what he may or may not be thinking.

So, ladies, what shall we do? Well, I do believe it is biblical for the man to take the lead role in relationships. This, however, does not require us to be silently pining away for months as we wait for a guy to say something. And I think we girls sometimes use the "it's his job" line as a way to excuse ourselves from the responsibility we have in our relationships.

Crooked Talk

There are various reasons that so many of us have problems communicating effectively. I'm sure some of it just has to do with personality. I know people who say exactly what they're thinking at any time (whether it's appropriate or not). I also know people who would never tell you that you're bothering them, but you'll still get the picture through their passive-aggressive behavior. These are both ways of communicating, but they're not always the wisest ways to do it.

I also think that we sometimes don't communicate correctly because we are afraid of hurting the other person. We may not want to tell our friends something they need to hear because it could hurt their feelings, or they may get angry with us. If that guy really likes you, but you don't share his interest, that will be difficult and hurtful to hear, and it may make the friendship uncomfortable. However, being led on is much more painful in the long run.

My senior year of high school, I dated a really sweet guy who liked me a lot. The problem was, I never had any intention of seriously dating him — but he didn't know that. I deceived him, and I'm sure I hurt his feelings. It was unfair of me, and honestly, very unkind.

When It Hurts So Bad

All of these things can be barriers to honesty. However, I know that the biggest reason I have failed at communication in the past is because of my own veiled selfishness. I do not want to be hurt, I do not want to be honest. Vulnerability is dangerous.

Communicating honestly with people — especially with guys — often requires that we share bits of who we are, which leaves us open to being wounded. When you tell someone that they've hurt your feelings or confused you with their actions, you are forced to admit that you're not invincible. You have allowed them close enough to be able to hurt you — your weakness is there for all to see.

The fear of being hurt — of people knowing where we are vulnerable — is very powerful. I remember sobbing on the phone to my mom once because I was so frightened that I might have to be honest with someone about what I thought, what I felt, what had hurt me. It seemed like nothing could be worse.

If people know where we are weak, they can use it against us. But if we just stay silent, if we keep playing games, they'll never have the opportunity to hurt us too badly.

Like Water Off a Sponge's Back

It is very easy to use the fear of being hurt as a scapegoat. Past wounds provide a good excuse to avoid honesty. But, when it comes right down to it, I have realized that I use my fear of honesty as an excuse to remain in my sin. Because, you see, when I am honest with people, my pride must fall away.

I've painfully realized that many of the problems I have with communicating effectively is my lack of humility. I want to be seen as someone who has it together, someone who is not deeply affected by the words and actions of others. But I am affected. We all are. Unfortunately, I am not often willing to admit that. My stubborn pride often keeps me from honest communication. I'd much rather remain in my pride and hide what I'm really feeling. That, of course, is not the biblical way to do it. (My way rarely is.)

What Did Jesus Do?

Interestingly, when you look for references to humility in the Bible, it is often something God has to force upon us. There are many scriptural examples of God humbling people because they refused to do it themselves. And yet amazingly, the one person who had every right to be prideful, chose to humble Himself in order to serve us:

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death — even death on a cross! (Philippians 2:5-8, NIV)

It seems to me that if God can be humble, then we should at least try to emulate that example. In our quest to be like Jesus, it seems important for us to be aware of areas in which we can humble ourselves — even in something as simple as conversation.

C O F F E E  S H O P

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Do you think communication problems result from a lack of humility? How do we conquer our pride in this area?

Join the discussion!

We need to be careful about the words and actions that we use because we are affecting other people. God has communicated to us through His word and His creation. It is important for us to talk to one another, to have honest, healthy relationships in which we are striving to love our neighbor. When that neighbor is a guy you like, it is unfair for you to read into his every glance instead of just talking to him openly.

Honest communication will save everyone from a lot of confusion. It may also save you from having to analyze the significance of cheddar cheese in his refrigerator.