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Uncertain of What I Do Not See

The Dating Game

Several weeks ago, I went on a date with a guy who was not a Christian. It was fun. We talked for a couple of hours at dinner, and then we went to a movie. I enjoyed his company — he was polite, attentive, tall and wore a button-down shirt (appropriately dressy, but not overdone — I approved). Overall, it was a good time. So, naturally, I decided not to go out with him again.

Now, if I had enough sense to be a good Christian girl, I probably wouldn't have gone out with him in the first place. This guy — we'll call him Boyfriend Dan¹ — was great, but he wasn't someone I would normally consider dating. His lifestyle consisted of parties and … parties. His beliefs were different than mine, our worldviews were not compatible. These are usually warning signs against beginning a relationship, by the way. So why did I, in all my wisdom, let him take me on a date in the first place?

I had my reasons, thank you very much. There were many, one of which I shouldn't even mention because I'll go off on a tangent. … OK, you twisted my arm, I'll just bring it up for one second. One of the reasons I wanted to go out with Boyfriend Dan was due to my dissatisfaction with Christian guys and their way of dating — or not dating.

I admired Boyfriend Dan's method. He met me, he liked me, he asked me out. What a concept! It was simple, traditional and effective. It's a method many of today's Christian guys cannot seem to grasp. But I digress. Maybe I'll wait to talk more about this until I'm married and the dating game is behind me, and I can think rationally — untangled from the web of disillusionment.

Mmmmm … Free Dinner

Anyway, enough bitter rambling. I think there are three main reasons why I said yes to a date with Boyfriend Dan:

1. I felt bad saying no to him. I didn't want to crush his spirits after all. Poor guy, so truly, madly, deeply in love with me, and I won't even let him take me to dinner.
2. It was free dinner and a free movie. What's not to like?
3. I wanted to go out with him because it made me feel good, it was someone to be interested in — someone who was interested in me.

Which of these three reasons is the main one? You'll never guess.

So, Boyfriend Dan and I went out. It was fun; I felt properly courted. He called me a couple of days later and wanted to do it again. By this time, I was very aware that I shouldn't. One date had seemed harmless enough — because contrary to much of the gossip on Christian college campuses, one evening with a guy does not equal an engagement ring — but I did not want to lead him on by going out again.

I knew that I should tell him no. I knew exactly what I should do, but I didn't want to. What I wanted was to go to dinner with him again, to continue dating him, to pursue the relationship.

However, my conscience — which often manifests itself through unrelenting thoughts and good friends — was consistently telling me that I should break it off. (I'll get you someday, conscience, if it's the last thing I do!)

He and I would want different things out of the relationship, and I knew that I shouldn't seriously date someone who wasn't a Christian. I struggled with it for a few days and finally resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't go out on another date with him. I would back away, resulting in my obedience to God and my empty evenings without Boyfriend Dan.

Two-Faced Denise

I sat down to journal one night about the trials and tribulations of my life, and in doing so, included my thoughts about this particular situation. Poor me, the entry went. Why should I have to give up good times and free dinner with Boyfriend Dan? Actually, I don't think I should! Who's to say that God will bring anyone better along? In fact, He probably won't. He'll teach me some horrible, life-long lesson through singleness. He can't trick me — I'm on to Him. I should keep seeing Boyfriend Dan!

Right in the midst of my highly justified brooding, God tapped me on the shoulder. It finally dawned on me that my struggle with this decision had a lot less to do with Boyfriend Dan himself, and much more to do with my volatile relationship with the Lord. It hit me that I didn't believe that my obedience to the Lord in this situation was worth it. Basically it came down to this fact: I do not trust God. I just don't.

Now, don't get me wrong. I say that I trust God. I'm very good at pretending — even convincing myself — that I do. When I talk to people, I am quick to say that God has a plan, that He's not going to fail us. But when you look at the way I live my life, it is quite clear that I am very suspicious of God and the way He does things.

Just look at the situation with good old Boyfriend Dan. When I really thought about it, much of the reason that I wanted to continue dating him is that I didn't trust that if I said no, God would ever bring about someone better. I do not trust that God will satisfy my desires with good things — whatever that looks like. I don't live like someone who believes that God keeps His promises. All of us have a worldview, and, on the outside, I profess the biblical position that God is trustworthy and faithful. But as is often the case, what I say and what I do are two very different things.

Blind as a Disciple

At least I'm not the first one to have this problem. I was fortunate enough to be listening to a seminar with Ray VanderLaan² a couple of weeks ago, and it seems as though the disciples struggled with the same thing.

Ray was talking about the story of Jesus healing the blind man of Bethsaida in Mark 8. He grabs this blind man and leads him outside of the village. He spits on the man's eyes, lays His hands on him, and asks the guy if he can see. The man says, "I see people; they look like trees walking around" (v. 24). Jesus puts His hands on the guy's eyes again, and all of the sudden, the guy sees clearly — no more fuzzy people — he has perfect, 20/20 vision.

Now, Ray said he had always wondered about that story — why didn't Jesus just heal the guy correctly the first time? Was Jesus still learning, still practicing miracles, and this one just didn't quite work on the first try?

Well, one of Ray's Jewish friends helped him out by telling him to read the entire passage (a good reminder that we often do not read the Bible as a whole). Anyway, just before Jesus healed the blind man, He had fed 4,000 people with seven loaves of bread and a few fish. Quite the feat. The disciples collect baskets of leftover food, and then set out with Jesus.

The disciples promptly begin lamenting the fact that they forgot to bring lunch. "We don't have any bread," they whine. Jesus, with disbelief, says this:

Why are you talking about having no bread? Do you still not see or understand? Are your hearts hardened? Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? And don't you remember? When I broke the five loaves for the five thousand, how many basketfuls of pieces did you pick up? … Do you still not understand? (vv. 17-19, 21, NIV)

The disciples apparently didn't get it. Here they had seen Jesus twice feed thousands of people with a couple of loaves of bread, and yet they continue to worry about where their lunch is going to come from. They are witnessing the miraculous acts of God incarnate, and they are failing to see who He really is — they immediately forget what He is capable of. It is right after this lunch fiasco that Jesus goes and heals the blind man at Bethsaida. He heals him partway — he has eyes, but still does not see clearly — kind of like the disciples.

Ray posits that this miracle is an object lesson for the disciples. Jesus is showing them what their faith walk looks like. As I listened to this explanation, I realized that I am no different than those disciples.

In Your Face, Biblical Times!

I often think that if I lived in biblical times, I would have no problem trusting God. If I had seen God rescue me from slavery in Egypt, of course I would be faithful! I usually scoff when I read of the Israelites and all of their problems in the desert. Foolish people, I think. Do they forget so quickly? Or what of those who saw Jesus perform miracles? Silly disciples, I mutter. They're in the presence of the Messiah and they still don't get it!

But I would have fared no better than them. Not one bit. I have plenty of examples of God working in my life, and still I refuse to trust Him. He has not yet failed me, but I will not believe. I have eyes to see clearly, but I prefer the blurriness.

Truth and Trust

My reluctance to give up Boyfriend Dan had to do with the fact that I do not trust God. And this is something I have to remedy. I must not only believe, but also practice the truth I claim has changed my life. James tells us to "not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says" (1:22).

Our relationship didn't pan out, but I am hoping that the Lord's and mine will. And I know — whether I always feel it or not — that my obedience to Him is worth it.

C O F F E E  S H O P

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Even with so much evidence of God's power, why do we still have such a hard time trusting Him?

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Sometimes God's promises seem like a mirage. But they're not — they are real. I must constantly remind myself that my everyday actions should reflect those truths. If I desire to be a disciple of Christ, I need to walk as He did — in the light, in the truth of His word — even if it means no free dinners for awhile.