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I'd Follow the Rules If I Knew What They Were: Dating in an Ever-Changing World

Prepare to Be Confused

It's complicated. You like him, but aren't sure he likes you. And so a campaign of attracting his attention ensues, accompanied by manic analysis of his every word, gesture and breath (or am I the only one who does that?).

If I were to catalog my thoughts during any given span of time, I'm embarrassed to say, I'd probably discover that the vast majority of my mental energy is directed toward overanalyzing my relationship with everyone I know who happens to own a Y chromosome. I usually have a rotating guy friend who sometimes seems like more than a friend, which means I live in a state of wondering if that last platonic coffee session was actually a date.

The truth is, I don't even know what a date is, exactly. Is it an embryonic stage of engagement? Is it merely two more-than-friends talking?

Nowhere is interacting with the opposite sex more confusing than in Christian circles, where some people date, a shrinking number forego dating in favor of "courting" and some have declared themselves temporary monks. Even the thing we call "dating" has its share of variables: When or if to hold hands or kiss, when or if to say "I love you," what the first date means, what the second date means, what the third date means ...

All of this makes the couple's relationship with the outside world a whole separate conundrum unto itself. If your dating relationship blossoms within a group of Christian friends, go ahead and expect people to start wondering when you're getting married sometime shortly after your third date.

One Saturday, my friend Rachel (not her real name) and I stood in the church kitchen slicing delicate white cake in preparation for a wedding reception. In the midst of our concerted efforts not to smudge the roses, an older church member approached her: "So, is there a wedding for you in the future? You have a steady beau, don't you?" Rachel politely and gracefully dodged the question, then later questioned the validity of the woman's inquiry: "Um, he and I have only known each other a total of six weeks."

How to Get to the Altar in Seven Dates or Less

How did Christian dating get so weird? Where did all this pressure come from, and why is there so little consensus on what constitutes good dating?

The Christian community has seen a whole movement that advocated a complete rejection of dating. And much of the church curriculum on dating — and there's a lot of it — carries a profound sense of urgency, a quiet, unspoken fear.

So why is Christian dating such a complex beast? I think it's because we look at dating in the culture at large with skepticism, knowing we can't sign on for the whole dating package as sold by the typical coed dorm. And so we conform to and reject modern dating practices in varying degrees, choosing what we think works and what doesn't.

Marriage, of course, is that very special elephant in the room on a typical "Christian" date. I'd venture to guess that Christians see marriage as something more immediately pertaining to their dating lives than non-Christians, if for no other reason than the fact that … there's no delicate way to say this: For most of us, marriage is a prerequisite for sex.

Besides, marriage is a highly revered institution in the Christian community. It's the basis of family, and family is the basis of all personal formation. Marriage transcends being a political and social arrangement and becomes something ordained and ordered by God Himself.

But that doesn't mean all young Christian daters look for a marriage partner in every date. As has been well documented, we twentysomethings have slowed way down on our path to the altar, and that goes for many in the Christian set as well. Sometimes I feel the need to defend us: Most of the people I know my age and older who haven't gotten married yet are not aimless or selfish or promiscuous. Most are bright, energetic, socially capable — and a little scared. We're sure that when marriage is good, it's divine; but we've often seen marriage go very, very bad.

And so, even though we in the Christian community highly value marriage, we don't all see every date the same way. We don't all enter our dating relationships with the same degree of expectation that things will progress toward marriage. Some of us order appetizers and estimate ring size; others of us aren't so sure. And that leaves us all a little confused.

Redemption Is Nigh

The intensity of our feelings of sobriety and anxiety toward marriage causes us to act a little funny sometimes. But I think there's something else at play: I think we value marriage and expend a lot of words on the concept of dating correctly because we value doing everything correctly. We feel uniquely burdened to Get Things Right.

You know how it goes. We, the saved community, are salt and light and enjoy unrestricted access to God's will. Therefore, as marriages and families around us crumble, we should be the ones with the stable marriages and the happy, well-adjusted kids, which follow a dating life virtually free from heartache. And let's face it, these expectations add to the pressure we feel as we endeavor to date well.

I guess there's nothing wrong with wanting to do things right. But sometimes I wonder what it is we think being saved means. Does salvation mean we experience a moment of spiritual bliss that gains us entry into heaven, and for the rest of our lives on earth we do everything perfectly — finances, marriage, origami? Or, after that ecstatic experience, do we wander around waiting for heaven, stuck here to try in vain to be perfect?

What if salvation wasn't a moment but a process — "work out your salvation with fear and trembling" (Philippians 2:12, NIV)? What if redemption wasn't purely about heaven, but seeking God's healing and restoration every day? What if we didn't have to get things right today, but simply cooperate with God's redemptive work in our emotional, spiritual, and social lives?

If that were true, I think our dating lives would be a lot saner. I think we'd seek God's redemption on deeper, more personal levels, rather than in lists of rules about dates. And I think some of our fears might even slowly dissolve as we joyfully anticipate redemption.

C O F F E E  S H O P

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Do you agree with Jessica's thoughts about Christian dating? Why or why not?

Join the discussion!

Ultimately, I think, dating customs are a cultural institution, and we in the Christian community date the way we do because certain dynamics in Christian culture have prompted us to do so. All culture is human, and as such, it's something of a work in progress. So sometimes we'll get it right, and sometimes we'll get it wrong. But always, God is awake and at work.

And that's nice to know — especially when one has spent the last hour sketching out thoughts for a "define the relationship" talk. God help us all.