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Don't Be That Guy, Part 2

Recap of Those Guys

In my most recent appearance on these pages, I advised you — as you began the path toward being a good husband, father, employee and/or productive member of society — that you steer clear of the male stereotypes that can prevent you from becoming those things. You know, don't be that guy.

Which guy? There's the Way-Too-Driven Guy, who can't get off his Blackberry leash long enough to find the time for the things that matter. There's Needs-More-Attention Guy, who can't interact meaningfully with the world around him, because every fiber of his focus is turned toward building his huge biceps (which the ladies love), and his kickin' car (which the dudes admire), and his need for attention (to which he is conveniently blinded). And there's Weirdly Quiet Guy, who snaps shut like a clamshell when it comes to building deep friendships.

Do you see a trend? All three guys, by becoming that guy, end up losing out on the kind of relationships that bring fulfillment and meaning to life. Their various categories of self-absorption block them from experiencing real community — and community is one of the building blocks of authentic discipleship. It's hard to focus on others when you're too caught up with yourself.

Don't be those guys. But don't think you're free and clear because you don't identify with WTDG or NMAG or WQG. There are at least three more guys you need not be. Keep reading.

But first, another disclaimer: For the remainder of this article, I will be making three more huge generalities about certain types of guys. Like solar-powered coffins,¹ stereotypes are almost always a bad idea, but it's kind of the point here. So don't get all upset if my exaggerations end up hurting your feelings. I didn't mean to. Unless, of course, you're that guy.

Needs-to-Grow-Up Guy

How to identify him now: He's a subspecies of Needs-More-Attention Guy, but with a particular characteristic — he's a big baby. This babyhood expresses itself in a number of forums. On the ball field, he's the one who's so competitive he'll come to blows with an ump over a disputed call in a church league game. In the boardroom, he stalks off or pouts when his contributions aren't taken seriously. In a relationship, he can't take criticism. Go negative and he acts like you just made fun of his mom and kicked his dog while throwing the remote out the window. Bad move.

How to identify him in the future: He'll still be doing those things, only he'll be older and grayer and maybe fatter (unless he keeps playing church-league sports).² That's kind of the point: He doesn't change. He doesn't learn. He doesn't mature. He doesn't grow up.

The positives: He's a good, hard-working team player, and his competitive drive is admirable…

The negatives: …until he doesn't get his way. Then the competitive streak disappears, the hypersensitive 12-year-old comes out, and he's likely to slam his glove on the ground and quit. Needs-to-Grow-Up Guy will work hard until really challenged. At that point, he backs away from that challenge while sporting a classic pouty-face. The result? That guy misses out on his chance to make a positive change.

How not to become that guy: Learn to accept criticism and allow it to fuel personal growth. Figure out where you went wrong. Question yourself: What aspect of my idea at work is unfeasible? What kind of attitude am I displaying toward my girlfriend that annoys her so much? Is it possible that I really was out at home plate? A refusal to acknowledge that you might have been wrong — i.e. pouting when challenged — only allows the immaturity to continue.

Also? Don't take sports so seriously. Dude. It's church-league softball. Jesus doesn't even care if your team wins.

Control-Issues Guy

How to identify him now: He's in charge. Of everything. At church, he's teaching the college Sunday School class. At school, he's taking the lead in your group assignment (whether anyone asks him to or not). On a date, he takes charge and makes every decision. In the dorm, you so do not want to be his roommate.

How to identify him in the future: He's the guy you see everywhere. If there's something to be done, he's doing it, and he's probably doing it well. He'll have a lovely wife and family, but she'll be the demure type who doesn't get to make many decisions. And the kids will be well-behaved but a little fearful of Dad. They know what to do and they always do it, because the alternative is unpleasant.

The positives: Control-Issues Guy is talented and blessed with confidence, intelligence, and above-average leadership abilities. He's good at a lot of things, and he'll almost always volunteer to help. If you need something done — and you need it done right — he's always your guy.

The negatives: One reason he does so much is because he thinks he can do everything better than anyone else. Half of this attitude comes from experience, because it's true. The other half comes from a raging ego, which is pretty obnoxious. Because he is better at most things than most people, Control-Issues Guy doesn't take instructions very well, and he is really bad at giving them, too. Why delegate responsibility if everyone else will do an inferior job? CIG makes a great business owner … but a terrible manager of people. He also burns out quickly. That happens when you try to do everything.

One more negative: Control-Issues guy doesn't just have a hard time trusting people. He also struggles to trust God with his life, his career, his goals. This makes a life of faith pretty difficult.

How not to become that guy: First, you have to recognize that you're that guy in the first place, which is the hardest thing to do. Then you have to admit that it's not always good to be that guy. Also hard.³ Then you have to let go of a few things. Loosen your grip. Trust. Step back. Force yourself to allow others to participate — whether it's in a group assignment, a work project or an event being planned. Maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised. Or maybe you'll be disappointed. Either option is good, because at least you won't be that guy.

Graceless Evangelist Guy

How to identify him now: He's locked onto some social trend, political system or theological issue, and will stop at nothing to make sure 1) he has explained to you everything you need to know about the issue in question; and 2) you end up agreeing with him. He is absolutely certain of his stance and will pursue you until you're marching lockstep with him. He won't take "no" for an answer.⁴

How to identify him in the future: He's the same guy. The issues may have changed, but his need to be right — and ensure that others are "right" along with him — are the same. Graceless Evangelist Guy comes in all stripes. He may be a Democrat or Republican, a Reformed Baptist or a traditional Catholic, a free-market capitalist or a red-blooded socialist.

The positives: Graceless Evangelist Guy does not experience doubt. He does not waver in his ideals. He's full of passion and energy and acts in the belief that he has your best interests in mind.

The negatives: But he's pushy about it. He's dogmatic. His certainty and passion get in the way of things like kindness, grace and thoughtful discussion. His refusal to even entertain a foreign idea brings any conversation to a halt. Engaging in a debate with him is like arguing with a brick wall.

How not to become that guy: Look at the big picture. Lots of political systems and philosophical constructs and theological divisions have come and gone. A lot of very smart people have been wrong before. That doesn't mean it's bad for you to believe in something with passion. Nor does it mean you are mistaken about what you believe. But it does mean that, whatever you find yourself advocating, you should do so in humility. No one has all the answers. To act as if you do usually comes at the expense of Christ-like love. Let your words — and your opinions — be seasoned with grace.

Seriously, Don't Be That Guy

C O F F E E  S H O P

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How do you avoid being "that guy"?

Join the discussion!

Are you that guy? Are the seeds of Needs-to-Grow-Up Guy, Control-Issues Guy, or Graceless Evangelist Guy starting to choke you out? Are you slipping into the habits of Way-Too-Driven Guy, Needs-More-Attention Guy, or Weirdly Quiet Guy from Part 1? If so, it's not too late. The college years are when young people begin to put the final touches on what kind of adult they'll become. The clay is beginning to harden, but it's still moldable. If you see something that needs to change, be honest with yourself — and with God — and take the first steps in a different direction. Ask a friend to hold you accountable.

The change might be hard, but the end result is a better-rounded guy who is more attractive to a potential spouse, more impressive to a potential employer and more usable for the kingdom of God.