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Don't Be That Guy, Part 1

Admit it: You've totally done it. You've noticed a nearby man, elbowed your friends, and said, "Check out that guy." You've boarded a plane, noticed another passenger, and immediately thought, "No way I'm sitting next to that guy." You've been at the mall or the ballgame or a restaurant and encouraged your buddy by saying, "At least you're not that guy."

Our society is full of "that guys." The too-intense church softball league guy. The wears-his-ballcap-backwards guy. The barbed-wire-tattooed-around-the-bicep guy.¹

There are lots of that guys we don't want to be. Unfortunately, most of those guys — while familiar and based on our experiences — are comical exaggerations and stereotypes made just for fun. We've all gotten too excited during softball games. We've all made unfortunate fashion choices. Not all of us have gotten dumb tattoos, but be honest: There was a point in your life when you thought tribal body art was cool.

All joking aside, though, there are some male stereotypes we'd do well to avoid — especially if we aspire to become good husbands, good fathers, good employees or productive members of society some day. The college years are when your values and priorities really begin to cement themselves into your personality. It's when you start to become, for lack of a better term, an adult. And as you start down that road, it's a good idea to decide now, ahead of time, the places you don't want to end up.

Here, then, are the first three guys you don't want to be, out of an unscientific list of six. (You'll have to wait until next month for the last three.)

Disclaimer: For the remainder of this article, I will be making a handful of large-scale generalities about certain types of guys. Stereotypes are almost always a bad idea, but it's kind of the point to the whole enchilada here. So don't get all upset if my exaggerations end up hurting your feelings. I didn't mean to. Unless, of course, you're that guy.

Way-Too-Driven Guy

How to identify him now: He's the one who's always working working working, always planning the next event, always pursuing the next deal, always preparing for the next job. He's constantly talking on his phone or texting on his Blackberry, even when it's socially impolite. Way-Too-Driven Guy gets so enthralled in his work, he forgets the people around him.

How to identify him when he's older: He'll be married with a beautiful wife and beautiful kids, but he'll never see them. Why? Because he's always — wait for it — planning the next event, pursuing the next deal and preparing for the next job. Still. He comes home from work and turns on his computer. His children have never seen him without his phone. His kids never have his full attention, nor does his wife. The only things that get him to take notice? Work. Business. Competition. Success.

The positives: Success. He probably makes a bunch of money. He has a nice house and a nice car and a career on the move.

The negatives: Everything revolves around that career, including his identity, his relationships and his self-worth. Should his business world come crashing down — no doubt as many of these Type-A guys on Wall Street have experienced lately — so will his life. He'll probably never be satisfied with where he is right now. He's always pursuing whatever comes next, at the expense of those around him.

How not to become that guy: Aim for balance. Guys are naturally competitive — we can thank testosterone for that — and certain personalities get addicted to that drive to compete and win. If you see yourself becoming Way-Too-Driven Guy, surround yourself with people who can help you relax and slow down and step away. Goals are good, and it's fine to pursue them, as long as you don't pursue them at all costs. Create some margins between career and the rest of your life. And resolve to never let your work come before the people you love most.

Needs-More-Attention Guy

How to identify him now: He comes in several flavors. He might be the bodybuilding type always checking himself out at the gym. He might be the dude who modifies his car to make it really loud and obnoxious. He might be the guy who's always cutting up in class. He wants you to notice him (and his 18-inch rims) and he thrives on being the center of attention.

How to identify him when he's older: He'll be wearing a toupee. Just kidding.² Needs-More-Attention Guy comes in all shapes and sizes, but his extreme self-focus makes it hard for him to enter (or at least maintain) a long-term relationship. If he does find a wife, he's a better-than-average candidate for adultery. When it comes to parenting, he may be the kind of dad who's so worried about being liked by his kids that he fails to provide anything in the way of discipline. He's not a good role model. His kids are unbearable. This, by the way, is why no one's surprised at the dysfunction of

Hollywood marriages and families — the entertainment industry is packed full of Needs-More-Attention Guys.

The positives: He's popular. He's the life of the party. He finds it easy to make friends, attract women and start new relationships …

The negatives: … but those relationships don't last. They fall apart once his neediness and self-interest gets old. And it gets old quickly. As a result, Needs-More-Attention Guy is pretty lonely. And lacking attention. That, kids, is called irony.

How not to become that guy: Get over yourself. Sure, it's far easier said than done, original sin being what it is. But the best way to put self-absorption aside is to push, continually, against it. Challenge it. Go serve somewhere that forces humility and lets you remain anonymous, like a downtown soup kitchen where no one knows you. Volunteer in the church nursery. Do things for people that no one knows about. Let your attitude be the same as that of Christ Jesus, who made Himself nothing.³

Weirdly Quiet Guy

How to identify him now: For whatever reason — could be a social phobia or low self-esteem — Weirdly Quiet Guy is uncomfortable in both large- and small-scale social situations. As a result, he keeps his thoughts, opinions, and feelings to himself. He rarely speaks in public. In private, he pulls back from deep conversations. He's completely closed up, difficult to talk to, and a challenge to get to know.

How to identify him when he's older: He won't have changed much. If he's lucky, he found a wife who loves the strong, silent type. But still, it's like pulling teeth to get him to open up to her. As a father, he comes off as distant and aloof. To his friends, it seems as if he's hiding behind a wall of his own choosing. Most of his relationships, as a result, are shallow.

The positives: Weirdly Quiet Guy never says the wrong thing in public, never sticks his foot in his mouth, and never accidentally hurts anyone's feelings by saying something inappropriate. Because he never says anything at all. Also, he comes across as kinda mysterious.

The negatives: Very little in the way of authentic friendship. No accountability. Known by very few people. Weirdly Quiet Guy is alone, and it's largely his fault for shutting himself off.

How not to become that guy: If your personality is naturally a quiet one, that's fine. Just don't embrace that fact so much that you close yourself off to deep relationships. Speak up. Smile. Force yourself to be friendly and approachable in unfamiliar situations, even if it feels totally fake. Be deliberate about building community around you. Find a good friend with whom you can be accountable, and let him past the wall you hide behind. Refuse to go through life alone. I'm a recovering Weirdly Quiet Guy, and I can attest to one thing: God wants more from you.

Good News, Bad News

C O F F E E  S H O P

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How do you avoid being "that guy"?

Join the discussion!

Are you "that guy"? If so, it's not too late. If you see yourself beginning to fall into the habits or perspectives of Way-Too-Driven Guy, Needs-More-Attention Guy or Weirdly Quiet Guy, then try to stop that progression before you hit terminal velocity. Put the brakes on now, and take the steps to change. You'll end up more well-rounded, better prepared for the future (especially related to marriage and family), and more available for God to use.

That's the good news. The bad news? There are three more guys you don't want to be. I'll cover them in part two of this article.