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Not Quickly Broken: A Look at Accountability

Check out this pearl of wisdom from Ecclesiastes:

Two are better than one
because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.¹

This passage may sound like nothing more than common sense. (Seriously, staying warm by yourself while camping in winter is not easy). But it points to a more transcendent truth — that we all need community. And when it comes to pursuing personal righteousness, we can't keep it personal. We most definitely need community for that.

And part of good community is ... drum roll please ... accountability.

I know that word doesn't have the most, well, fun connotation. Maybe you feel guilty when you hear it, because you know it's something you should be doing, but you're not. Or maybe the thought of being honest about the mistakes you've made and the sins you just can't overcome seriously freaks you out.

Understandable. I've been there too.

But I've also experienced the benefits of the "a-word" for myself. And believe me, the risks, though they loom large, pale in comparison to the benefits God promises.

So, men, let's explore this idea of accountability. Let's take a look at a passage from Scripture. And then we'll chat about what it looks like played out in our own lives. What does it mean to, as the verse says, help one another up?

David & Nathan

One of the most striking examples of accountability in Scripture, at least that I can think of, involves King David and the prophet Nathan. It's a good thing David had Nathan around because, as you all know, David did a pretty phenomenal job, in the course of a few days, of wrecking his life.

Second Samuel 12 spells it out pretty clearly: David 1) had a one night stand with a beautiful woman, Bathsheba, and got her pregnant; 2) brought Uriah, her husband, back from the battlefield so he could sleep with her, to make it look like he was the baby daddy; and 3) when that didn't work, he commanded his military higher-ups to let Uriah be killed once he returned to battle.

After all that, Nathan came a-knockin'. And seriously called David out.

Nathan explains David's actions in a parable, and finishes by saying to David, "Why did you despise the word of the LORD by doing what is evil in his eyes?" (2 Samuel 12:9). David, overcome by the gravity of his actions, humbly says, "I have sinned against the LORD."

I think this exchange between these two great men gives us a great glimpse of accountability done well: One man falls, and the other is there to help him back up.

Humility and Confrontation

Fast forward to the 21st century. No prophets hangin' around to tell us when we're out of line. So how do we go about doing this accountability thing for ourselves?

First of all, I'll say that two essential ingredients to good accountability — both of which were present in Nathan's exchange with David — are humility and a willingness to confront.

Humility matters because, as we submit ourselves to the exhortations and admonitions of our friends, we're liable not to be too keen on what we're hearing. I don't know about you, but when someone tells me I need to change my ways, I can get a little bit defensive. But if I actively choose an attitude of humility, I remember, as I'm being told to straighten up, that 1) the other person is probably more objective about the situation than me, and 2) I've given them the permission to speak this kind of truth into my life. Maybe things aren't exactly as the other person paints them, but I should be humble and listen — and change my ways, if that's what the situation calls for.

And I mentioned a willingness to confront. If you're like me, you prefer, say, showing up to class with your fly down and everyone noticing — including your professor — over actually having to confront someone. But the flip side to being accountable is holding your brothers accountable. Which means initiating confrontation.

When you're the one doing the confronting, pay attention to the words you say. How you say something is often more important than what you say. And remember — just as they have permission to confront you about something, you have the responsibility to do the same for them.

Neither humility nor initiating conflict are fun (unless you're a masochist or a sadist, respectively, in which case you really need help), but both are integral parts of accountability.

Partners in Accountability

And whom should you ask to hold you accountable to all this Truth you say you believe in?

For starters, it shouldn't be someone who will make you feel all right about getting crazy drunk sometime last weekend or having looked at porn. That is, don't get into this with someone who will make you feel good merely for being honest.

Sure, being frank is a good first step. As they say, admitting the problem is half the battle.

But you need someone who will help you fight the whole battle, someone who will spur you not only to be honest, but will poke you, spiritually speaking, with one of those electric cattle prods, if that's what you need. Because Christ's gospel is about nothing if not changed lives. Sometimes, because of our humanity, we need to be prodded — by the Holy Spirit, God's word and close friends — toward righteousness.

Here's the hard part, though: We all desire mutuality. It's nice to do this sort of thing with someone just as committed as you are. But if you know no one who can help you in the capacity, then choose simply, resolutely, to be that person for someone else.

I'm guessing you aren't the only guy out there who wants to pursue God wholeheartedly. And you're probably not the only one who's a little squeamish about asking for a little help and companionship for the journey. So take the chance to "step out." Invite other young men to come alongside you. Be there for them. Show them, by example, that it matters that we're honest about our failures.

And then hold one another accountable to your commitments to "put off the old self" (Ephesians 4:22).

Positive Accountability

Thankfully, putting off that old self — not sleeping with your girlfriend, putting down the video game controller for a while — is only half the story. This coin has two sides.

As we stick things out, we stumble toward an accountability that becomes about more than helping each other up after we've fallen. Eventually, we get to this business in which we, as the author of the book of Hebrews puts it, "consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds" (Hebrews 10:24). That's our goal — an accountability that not only does away with the bad in our lives, but ushers in the good for ourselves and the rest of the world.

C O F F E E  S H O P

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Guys, have you ever given accountability a try? What's been your experience?

Join the discussion!

Remember: Accountability isn't something we do to impress God or other people. We do it to become the men God created us to be. As we pursue Christ's gospel — the salvation and redemption of our own selves and the world around us — we become, with one another, thoroughly interwoven.

We become that "cord of three strands."

And we are not quickly broken.