Home » Dorms » Men's Hall

Marriage Prep 101 (Whether You've Met Her Yet or Not)

True confession, for you unfortunate souls who look to me as some sort of authority on collegiate matters: My university experience was far from typical. I did not live on campus. I did not join a fraternity. I did not eat, at all, in a campus dining room. For the first couple years, I didn't even move away from home.

Nope. I went to a university near my hometown. I got married at the age of 21, to a wonderful friend who eventually became a girlfriend and whom I'd known since childhood. She was 20 at the time. We were (and still are) in love, and neither of us could see a good reason to wait until graduation to get married. So I went through a good chunk of my college experience either engaged to be married or actually hitched.

So while a lot of my friends were using their time on-campus to learn how to pick up sorority girls, how to survive on a diet of noodles and pizza, and how much beer they could drink before mistaking someone's discarded tennis shoe for a telephone, I was learning how to be married. It was quite an education. Among other things, I discovered that:

• My wife had cold feet. Not about being married or anything. No, she literally had cold feet. In the winter, it was like getting in bed only to find someone had mistakenly left a bunch of popsicles under the quilt. Shiver.
  
  
• I could expect to be asked "How's married life treating you?" about twice a week. This lasted for at least a year after the wedding. After the third or fourth time, the question gets pretty annoying. I got into the subversive habit of answering it by shoving my hands into my pockets, looking away pensively, and saying, "How's married life treating me? Not very well, to be real honest with you." If you're looking for a way to make a person regret having asked a dumb question, that's a fantastic place to start.
  
  
• Marriage was hard. Yes, we loved each other. Yes, we loved being together. Yes, we had no regrets about getting married early. But this marriage thing? It wasn't all tickles and giggles. It took work.

There's good news, though. Even if marriage isn't quite on your horizon,¹ you can get a head start on the hard stuff even now, while you're in college. We've talked before — and by "talked," I mean I've written some words about it in hopes that you have read them — about how our years in college are opportunities to learn all kinds of things, and not just stuff related to a major or career. It's a time to prepare for the "real world." It's a time to grow spiritually. And if you're serious about being a good husband someday — whether you've met her yet or not — this is a great time to start practicing good husbandry.²

So … what are the things you can start learning now that will eventually make you into an above-average spouse? Glad you asked.

1. It's not all about you. It's easy to daydream about all the ways your future spouse will meet your needs, whether they're sexual (Wheee!), physical (How about a backrub, honey?), or emotional (Did you see how I swatted that fly right out of the air? Tell me I'm awesome, baby!). And that's fine. A good marriage involves one person meeting the needs of the other, as long as you remember this: She has needs, too, and it's your job to respond to them. That means she won't always come home from work and want to cook you up a big meal. She will need her back rubbed on occasion, and she couldn't care less about your fly-swatting skills. In fact, she needs to be told how great she is, and how beautiful she is, and how lucky you are to be with her. The best relationships are built on servanthood and a commitment to putting the other person first. Until you make that a habit — right now, with other people who may or may not be your future spouse — you'll never be husband-of-the-year material. Start by dropping yourself a few notches down the priority list, and begin finding ways to serve others. Practice now, until you can perfect it with your wife.
   
   
2. How to clean up after yourself. It is in your best interest, young male reader, not to enter marriage thinking that your lovely wife will automatically take it upon herself to set the table, make the bed, clean the dishes, scrub the toilet, or pick up your nasty socks. Nor does it mean that you will be the authority on automobile maintenance, lawn care and electronic device operation. Eventually you'll figure out which one of you is best at which job, and you'll settle into these duties. But until then, expect nothing. Wives are not maids. Learn to take care of yourself — along with your bed, your laundry, your toilet — so someday you can serve her by doing whatever needs to be done, including the dishes. This won't be too difficult, because you already took #1 to heart, right?
   
   
3. How to listen. Really listen. At this stage in your life, you've hopefully learned how to carry on a real conversation with a member of the opposite sex. You know that people, in general, love to talk about themselves, and the best way to learn about someone is to ask them open-ended questions … and then listen to their answers. You also know that listening means actually paying attention to what's being said, as opposed to just waiting for the other person to take a breath so you can jump in and start talking about yourself. That's not listening. That's interrupting. You know these things, don't you? Good. Then keep working on them, because listening becomes even more important once you're married. She'll want to tell you about her day, about her hopes for the future, about her worries. She won't always want you to fix her problems or respond in any certain way to what she's saying — she'll only want you to listen. This can be difficult. Get a jump on it by practicing now. Engage in deep conversations. Ask people questions. Ask follow-up questions. Then be patient. Make eye contact. Keep your mind attentive. Listen.
   
   
4. How to talk. Really talk. Of course, relationships involve two people, and a good conversation is never one-sided. Eventually, you'll have to do more than just listen, which means you'll have to talk. You'll have to do the things she does — discuss your day, reveal your hopes for the future, spell out some of your worries. You'll have to be honest, and you'll have to get past some of your testosterone-y³ tendencies to give one word-answers or sidestep anything that might generate emotion or transparency. She'll expect you to share things with her. So, should you prepare for this by spilling your guts to every woman you ever talk to? Probably not. But it is a good idea to get into the habit of being deeply honest with certain people — maybe an accountability partner or a close friend — just so you have some idea what emotional intimacy feels like. If you're in the habit of closing yourself off from people, you'll need to find a way out. Don't wait until you're married to start that process.
   
   
5. How to speak gracefully. Perhaps there are a few women in the world who find one-syllable grunts to be attractive, but they are likely not the type of person who will want to marry you. Your future wife wants to bring home a husband who will impress her mother, compliment her grandmother, speak kindly to children and be a model of politeness. This is not a switch you can flip once you get engaged. You need to start learning those things now. Get in the habit of saying kind things whenever appropriate. It seems so elementary, but we — and I include myself — need to be reminded to use phrases like "excuse me" and "after you" and "pleasure to meet you" and "wow, you're looking younger than ever, Grandma" as often as possible.⁴ Trust me: Verbal grace goes a long, long way.

That's probably enough to work on for now. In fact, there are some things above that I need to work on, despite having been married for nearly 13 years. Once you get married, you won't ever stop learning — but don't let that keep you from starting the education process today.

C O F F E E  S H O P

---

How are you preparing yourself to be a good husband?

Join the discussion!

I know I spent a lot of ink in my last article talking about the impact of Philippians 2:3-5 on my spiritual life. What I didn't mention there was that those verses — in which Paul tells us to do nothing out of selfish ambition, but to humbly view others as better than ourselves — have had a profound impact on my marriage, too. The best marriage advice I can ever give, when asked, is this: Don't be selfish. It's the truth behind all five of the suggestions above. In fact, a Christ-like attitude of selflessness will be present in any healthy relationship, whether it's between married people, friends, or parents and children. It's a universally appropriate concept, but there's a reason Scripture keeps comparing the relationship between Christ and the Church as a marriage, with a distinct emphasis on Christ having sacrificed himself for his bride.

When it comes to "husbandry," you can't get much better than that.