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The Art of Miscommunication

I Like You, No I Don't

Did you know that we're always communicating? Even when we don't use words, we're always conveying messages whether we intend to or not. When I pass someone in the hall at work, I can greet them with a lively "Hey, how's it goin'? Isn't this a great day to be alive? Man, I wish every day could be Monday. You wanna shoot me now?" or I could remain silent, avoiding eye contact and/or hiding behind a fake palm tree. Either way, I've communicated.

Unfortunately, many of us guys don't realize this, which often results in mixed signals. (By the way, ladies, Denise has got a sweet and tender article in the Women's Hall on communication called, "Straight Talk.") Of course, some of us do realize this and it still results in mixed signals. One of the areas that I see the greatest amount of miscommunication is in the pre-dating, dating, post-dating, trans-dating, quasi-dating, neo-dating — basically anything that has to do with dating (or courting; that's right, you don't get out of this so easily) — relationships.

Does any of this sound familiar:

Does she like me? Does she only think of me as a friend? Does she even notice me? What was that look she gave me? A flirty smile, a platonic smile or a grimace that I should take as, "Stop looking at me — forever"? What do those hints mean, if they're even hints at all? Was she trying to say that our relationship is moving too fast or too slow? Does she want me to kiss her or go home and die? Was she brushing me off or does she want me chase her until I win her over? Does she want me to fight for her or is she just getting something out of her eye?

Boy, do I miss those days. I remember when married people used to tell me that they're so glad not to be in the dating scene anymore, and now I understand why. It's as if we learned to talk when we're young only to be hit with verbal amnesia when we started liking girls.

It's so strange that we value honesty as one of the highest virtues, yet we aren't willing to be clear when it comes to our intentions toward the opposite sex. While we promote genuineness in so many areas, we promote confusion in the dating arena. Why is this?

I see at least two reasons for this miscommunication: fear and trembling, I mean, fear and selfishness. Fear, because we don't want to be rejected. Selfishness, because we care more about being liked than we do about others' hearts; that is, it makes us feel good when someone likes us, and we don't want to stop it by telling them we don't reciprocate.

Defining The Non-Relationship

Hints: the unbreakable code, the springboard of confusion, the bane
of clarity.

So, why are we so afraid? What are we so afraid of? Being rejected can be devastating, but it doesn't have to be. Just after college, I started having feelings for this girl that I knew from church. Having always been shy, I decided to suck it up this time and start pursuing her.

I began to go over to her apartment every night just to hang out and get to know her. I was quite proud of myself for being so bold, since I'd never been that aggressive before. Pretty soon, however, she noticed the pattern and began to retreat into her room whenever I pulled up. Her roommates would answer the door and I'd end up spending an hour or two with them and none with her. In fact, I couldn't even get her on the phone.

Now, you may be wondering why I didn't get the hint the first time she avoided me in her room. Well, you have to know that I try to assume the best of everyone with heavy emphasis on "try."

I lost a great deal of sleep and stomach lining as I internalized this struggle. Basically, we were at a stand off. I didn't want to ask the awkward questions because I didn't want to threaten her and I didn't want to be rejected. She didn't want to tell me what she thought because she didn't want to hurt my feelings and she thought that she had already communicated clearly.

Eventually, she finally called me back and we had "the conversation" — the "DTR."¹ It wasn't pretty, but compared to the previous week, it seemed like heaven. Finally, I knew where she was. Finally, I could move on. Finally, I could throw away all the junk that she had either given me or touched or looked at.

It's interesting looking back at my premarital romantic life because when I compare those times of agonizing speculation against those awkward, clarifying conversations, I always wonder why I didn't initiate those conversations sooner. Yes, some of them hurt, but they only hurt emotionally. The paralyzing times of conjecture, however, were almost universally painful. There were so many important things to think about, but all of them had to be put on hold just to figure out whether or not she liked me.

Praises of Men vs. Praises of God: You Decide

The problem for me was insecurity. Where did my value come from? Her. Whose opinion was the most important to me? Hers. Whose affection would make my life worth living? Hers.

But what about God's opinion? What about His affection? I was too blind to place that much value in His praises. I resembled the Pharisees whom Jesus described as loving "praise from men more than praise from God" (John 12:43, NIV).

Deism is the belief that God exists and that He is Creator, but that He's no longer involved in His creation. Now, though we don't affirm it as true, many times we Christians live as practical deists; that is, we say that God's perspective is more important than any other, yet we act as though His opinions are only to be consulted in emergencies.

If I had focused on God's praises, if my primary concern was what He thought of me, if my security was in Him, I suspect that I would've initiated clarity much earlier in each of these relationships, rather than enjoying weeks of insomnia and ulcers.

And By Right, You Mean Left, Right?

Mixed signals: the tool of the flirt, the cause of sleepless nights, the bane of the insecure.

Besides fear, I had also mentioned selfishness. This one is a little easier to identify, though it may be difficult to modify. I've seen a few people abuse the affection of some love-struck admirer to make themselves feel better. This is more commonly known as "leading someone on." Just the term indicates how despicable this is, so I don't have to say too much.

Interestingly enough, however, this motivation is similar to that of fear: insecurity. When we need other people to ultimately fulfill us, then we need to be reminded that God is the final answer to the question about whose opinion is most important.

If this is you, please let me remind you that you're toying with someone else's life. We were never meant to be puppeteers, but to be servants.

Now, you may have led someone on before without being aware of it. To this, I'd just say be careful what you communicate. When we appear inconsistent, our mixed signals can cause a great deal of heartache and confusion. Don't be afraid to qualify things. Many times, the resulting awkwardness is less painful than the resulting relational hernias.

Theater of the Awkward

Let me conclude by providing an account of someone that I consider to be one of the best examples of communication as service: my wife Sonnie.

Before she and I met on staff at Summit Ministries in 2001, she had gone to school in Minnesota. While there, a friend of hers thought he had interpreted her actions correctly and so he approached her about starting a relationship — a proposal that took her completely off guard. When she explained that she had never liked him as more than a friend, he was then taken off guard. Her kindness toward him had been misinterpreted as romantic hints, which unfortunately had led to that awkward moment.

In order to prevent this from happening again, she decided to adopt a practice of preventative clarification (only with close guy friends, of course, because it would be overkill to do this with every person that came along), an instance of which I had the opportunity to witness.

During one of the summer sessions at Summit, my friend Jason and I had just finished eating when Sonnie brought him a dessert of some sort along with the following qualification: "I only think of you as a friend. Nothing more."

Why did she say that? Well, understandably enough, Jason might interpret this simple gesture of kindness as mild flirtation. That's just the way things happen when guys and girls hang out often and lines aren't clarified.

That's an odd thing to say, I thought, so I turned to Jason after she had left and said, "That's an odd thing to say." Jason, however, explained to me that he was thankful that she did that so he always knew where he stood in her mind. (Of course, as soon as he had said this, it occurred to me that she had never said this to me even though we were just as close as she and Jason. That must be because it's so obvious that she doesn't like me that she doesn't need to say anything. Needless to say, I'm 14 short of a dozen.)

Anyway, I put that forth as an example of someone who cared more about her friends' hearts and emotions than she did about the potential awkwardness that might result from those types of comments.

I don't think that we need to do it this exact way, but we need to be more careful with the way that we communicate with each other. Of course, the responsibility is not entirely on one party or the other. We all have a duty to tear down walls rather than methodically build up unnecessary walls.

C O F F E E  S H O P

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Do you communicate your feelings? If so, how? If not, why?

Join the discussion!

Relationships may be oversimplified in sitcoms and romantic comedies, but in real life they take a great amount of work, which is a good thing because we'd have a hard time growing otherwise. So guys, let's take the lead in the service of communication.