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Ask Theophilus: The Cliff, the Girl and the Dream

SLIDING DOWN A CLIFF

Dear Professor Theophilus:

I am depressed and I don't know why. I was raised in a Christian home. I love Jesus and have followed Him for a long time; God was always there with me. Now I am an 18-year-old man in college and God seems so distant — like He is standing off to the side just watching me slide down a cliff face. Horrible thoughts have crept into my mind, thoughts of self-killing. I would never do that, but I hate the very thought of considering it. I drive the thoughts off, but I can't keep them away. I have prayed for relief, but God has not answered. I read the Bible and it doesn't speak anymore. College grades are going down the drain. I have no motivation for anything. The world is compressing in and I can't find God anymore. I can feel God's presence, but I can't find His comfort or help or love.

If you have any advice I would greatly appreciate it; if nothing else just pray for me.

Reply

Although it was more than 30 years ago, I've been where you are now, and I do have some advice — both about how to view what is happening and what to do.

How should you think about these things?

About God. Sometimes we confuse God with His comforts. If we feel that He is distant, then we think He really is. No, He's right there with us. The suffering is utterly real, but the sense of His absence which the suffering produces is utterly false. He is present not only as an onlooker, but as a participant in your suffering, closer to you than your own mind, your own thoughts, your own heart. At the beginning of His Passion, in the agony in the Garden of Gethsemane, Christ took upon Himself the entire burden of human anguish and torment, past, present and future. That includes the burden that you are enduring now. He is with you.

About faith. It's all right not to feel faith; feeling it isn't the same as having it. On the cross, Jesus Himself cried out, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" He was reciting Psalm 22. If you read the rest of the psalm, you'll find that it ends in triumph. Christ knew that too. Did He feel that triumph then? No, but He trusted God for it anyway. Trust isn't in the feelings, it's in the will. His trust was also vindicated; there was Good Friday, but there was also Easter.

About depression. Melancholy isn't just about feelings. It's about thoughts too. It urges the mind into a spiraling loop of ideas which drive us further and further into sadness, prompting us to believe all sorts of things that aren't actually true. We think nothing good will happen, that everything is dust and ashes, that we ourselves are worthless, that worship is meaningless, and that the depression itself will last forever. These beliefs don't correspond with reality; they aren't true perceptions. It would be more accurate to call them temptations.

So what can you do?

What to do spiritually. Keep up your everyday disciplines, like praying and going to church. If you haven't the energy for long prayers — that sometimes happens in depression — don't be discouraged; instead say lots and lots of short ones, a sentence here, a sentence there. If you find prayer exhausting, another thing you can do is pray the Psalms, for example Psalms 6, 22, 23, 42 and 126. The words are already written; all you have to do is make them yours. "Thou hast kept count of my tossings," says the psalmist. "Put thou my tears in thy bottle! Are they not in thy book?"¹

Another thing about prayer. Include all kinds of prayer in those short prayers of yours. Petition, of course: One such prayer could be "Father, help me now!" But also blessing: "Blessed One, I lift my prayer to you." And praise and adoration: "How wonderful you are! Your goodness endures forever." Then comes intercession: "Please help my sick friend Mary, and her brother who is looking for a job." Contrition: "I'm sorry for not mentioning the needs of my friends to you yesterday." Yes, even thanksgiving — do a lot of that! If you don't feel thankful, that is all the more reason to give thanks, because by doing so you're reminding yourself of everyday blessings. Thank God for the cool of the breeze, for the phone call from your mom, for the sweetness of the laughter of the children as you walk past the playground of the school. Don't be afraid to be trivial! You can thank Him for the smell of morning coffee. You can thank Him that you caught yourself when you thought you were going to trip. You can thank Him that the cat remembered to use the litterbox this time.

What to do about your thoughts. Keep reminding yourself that the loop of thoughts and feelings going around and around in your mind isn't true. When your feelings say "everything is dust and ashes," answer them "I may feel that, but it isn't so." When your thoughts say "I'm worthless," answer them "That's not what God says, and the source of my worth is in Him, not in my thoughts." When your sorrows say, "I'm sliding down a cliff," answer them "In fact, this depression will end." Many people tempted to think in these ways find it helpful to keep a notebook, writing down good things as they happen. By the end of each week they are surprised to find how many things they have written down. This helps to correct their false thinking.

What to do practically. See your friends. Phone your family. Don't keep your depression a secret. Ask them to pray for you. Eat normal, healthy meals. Have a few treats. Take relaxing baths and showers. Make sure you get enough sleep, but get exercise too. Brisk walks are good. If you like animals, get a pet, one that has fur you can stroke. Take time to see beautiful things and listen to beautiful music. Avoid what depresses you, but don't avoid life. These suggestions may seem silly or obvious, but we often overlook the obvious things.

What other help you should seek. See a doctor to find out whether some medical condition might be affecting your feelings. Talk to your pastor or to another Christian counselor to find out whether your depression might be connected with other problems in your life; perhaps God is trying to get your attention. If you can't find out why you're depressed, don't worry about it. That is all right.

Last of all, remember that sorrow is not meaningless to Christ, even when it seems meaningless to us. He understands it; He has shared it. It's not for nothing that the prophet Isaiah called Him a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief.² Ask Him to lift up your sorrow into the sorrow that He carried on the Cross, and to make it, in His secret ways, a means of your sanctification. He will do it.

I will pray for you too.

Peace be with you,

PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

PETER PAN'S GIRLFRIEND

Dear Professor Theophilus:

So — the question at the end of "The Peter Pan Syndrome"³ —

What is Julie supposed to do?

Reply

Good question. It's come up before, but it's worth a few more words, partly because I've had a few more thoughts. But some of my readers have no idea what you're talking about, so I'd better explain.

I told Zack, who was suffering from fear of growing up, that although his earthly model of manhood may have been defective, he should focus his gaze on the perfect Manhood of the perfect Father's Son. "Study it, pray about it, meditate on it — and copy it."

I still think that was a good answer, but it suffers from a certain limitation, even for Zack. Not everything about Christ is a model for us. Zack can imitate Christ in His perfect manhood, yes, but he can't imitate Him in His Godhood. For example, Zack wouldn't have had the authority to chase the moneychangers out of the Temple, and Zack can't bear someone else's sins. And you're right, Julie should be aiming at womanhood, not manhood. Where is her model for that?

In a previous column,⁴ I tried to fill in the gap by writing "in His Godhood, Jesus is to be worshipped, not imitated, while in his Humanity, He is the model for both men and women. But for Zack and all men, the model of Sonship and Manhood is Jesus, while for Julie and all women, the model of Daughterliness and Womanhood is Mary. And the whole Church looks to Mary as the model of submission to Christ Himself."

That's better, but it leaves one big thing out. Not a what, a who. I mean Joseph, the last of the Patriarchs. Just as Julie will never find a better model of womanhood than the woman whom Christ chose as His mother, so, short of Christ Himself, Zack will never find a better model of manhood than the man whom Christ chose as foster-father. Every story concerning these two is worth long meditation, beginning with Mary's response when she learned that she would bear the Messiah, and with Joseph's when he learned the full truth about her pregnancy. The Holy Family has been an object of Christian reflection for centuries. We would do well to think much more about it than we do.

Will that do?

Peace be with you,

PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

HORRIBLE DREAM

Dear Professor Theophilus:

I have been a reader of your columns for several years and have appreciated the wisdom and insight I have gained here. I have been in a relationship with a great Christian guy for about two and a half years now. We've been engaged about a year and are planning on getting married in about two months. Even though I think he is a decent guy, I am not completely thrilled with the idea of getting married. There is just this recurring sense of "I love him and I want to get married, but I feel like I'm in a horrible dream." When I decided to respond to his initiation in the beginning of the relationship, it was because I thought he was a decent guy and deserved a chance. I was not infatuated, and frankly, found certain "unimportant" aspects about his personality and lifestyle to be unattractive.

Over the course of the relationship, I have grown to love him and see many good things in him. He is dedicated to attending church and reading his Bible, he loves me with his whole heart and is committed to loving me as Christ loves the church. He will be faithful and he will be a good father and provider. And although I've often had the thought "this is an amazing guy" I somehow still feel like I may be settling. I am not certain that he is the "best guy" out there. My family has recently moved to another city causing him and me to have a long distance relationship — and all of the sudden I am growing spiritually, whereas before I felt stagnant.

I've never been under the illusion that marriage is a fairytale bed of roses — but just how hard should it be? Are my feelings normal or are they brilliant red flags? Should I walk down the aisle sacrificing a portion of my dreams of heartbeat-quickening romantic attraction for the opportunity to chose agape love for one who claims he can marry none other? Are my desires unrealistic? I am so confused. More often than I'd like, I've had to fight feelings of desire for other Christian men who possess one or more of the qualities that I find lacking in my fiance.

Reply

People often suffer moments of panic when they're making big changes or decisions. Some people suffer them ahead of time: "What am I doing?" Others suffer them afterward: "What did I just do?" Some lucky people don't suffer them at all. Some unlucky people don't suffer them, but should.

Your problem isn't a few moments of panic, but a deepening sense of unease over a long period of time. What is the problem? Is it just that the young man lacks a few good qualities? I don't think that's what's troubling you. I think the problem is that you love him, but you're not "in love" with him. There is a difference. Every marriage needs love. Being "in love" is a different matter; some people need it, some don't.⁵ It's plainly important to you.

I think you should talk with your fiance and explain your anxieties to him. Ask to put the wedding on hold until you can sort your feelings out. I can't tell you that he won't be hurt; he will be. I can't tell you that he'll understand; he may not. If he loves you, though, he'll give you the time that you need.

Don't make him wait forever. Use the time to decide what you really want to do. You may be surprised; once the pressure is off, you may find yourself "in love" with him after all. Maybe not. But maybe.

C O F F E E  S H O P

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Should she marry him or not?

Join the discussion!

Did I remind you to pray? Do that too.

Peace be with you,

PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

If you have a question you'd like Professor Theophilus to consider for this column, please send it to asktheo@trueu.org. Please note, all questions selected for "Ask Theophilus" may be edited for clarity and privacy, and become the property of Focus on the Family.