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Ask Theophilus: Advice to the Lustlorn

Dear Readers: It happens every time, and it's happening again. I answer a few questions about relationships between the sexes, and for the next few months I get letters about nothing but. One reason is that we have a natural interest in the subject. A bigger one is that so many lives today are sexually disordered, and I'm not just talking about nonbelievers. Every year I write this column, the fact sinks in more deeply.

Here's some straight talk. In a few months, I might consider a few follow-ups to these three answers, but in the meantime, lay off me about the guy and girl stuff, OK? How about some letters about all the other interesting things to worry about?

YO, SHE'S PREGNANT

Yo, wass up, I've been dating my girl for about a year now and I love her you know, even if I don't always tell her that. Anyways we just found out that she's pregnant and she's really upset, she doesn't know how to tell her folks. Oh yeah, I'm 20 years old, she's only 17. I'm young, intelligent, make a good living for myself. My girl is from a different background, her parents don't mind that, but they're real strict and I think things will change now that I got her pregnant. We don't believe in abortion and she don't want to give it up for adoption so we're gonna have to eventually tell them what's going on. What should I do? How can I let her know I'm sorry? Please help me.

Reply:

You say you love her. I don't see the evidence yet. Do you really want to know how to let her know that you're sorry? Or do you just want to get off the hook? The way to show that you're sorry is to do the right thing.

No matter what you're afraid of, her parents have a right to be told; there is no "eventually." The sooner the better. Like today. Most families pull together in a pinch.

If you were both of age, I would tell you to marry her, provide for her, stay married, be faithful, and be a good father. That's the advice I gave another young guy who got his girlfriend pregnant.¹ Your case is different, because depending on where you live, she may not be of age.

I can't give you advice about the law. Morally, I advise you to face the music. Do what you can to repair the hurt that you've done to this girl and your unborn child. From now on, everything else in your life takes second place, and I mean everything. This is where you find out how much you want to be a man.

Peace be with you,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

THE NAKED TRUTH

Dear Professor Theophilus:

I'm having a question that is bothering me so much that I can't get it out of my head. My boyfriend refuses to answer it for me, so I'm trying to get the answer by asking everyone I know.

Is it normal for a guy to imagine other girls naked when he's in a relationship? Are guys all like that? What does it mean when a guy tells his girlfriend that sometimes he finds other girls more attractive than her?

Reply:

I'm intrigued by the way you phrase your questions. Apparently you don't mind your boyfriend thinking about you naked; you just don't want him to think about other girls naked. Jealousy enters your mind, but chastity doesn't. You ought to give that some thought.

One might also ask what could possibly lead a young man to shame his girlfriend by telling her that he sometimes finds other girls more attractive. But you've answered that question. You've been badgering him, haven't you? "Do you ever find other girls more attractive than me? Do you ever imagine them naked? Well? Why aren't you answering? Tell me!" Apparently the poor guy was foolish enough to answer your first question. He won't make that mistake a second time.

So you ask poor me instead. "Are all guys like that?" If I answer "Yes," then you'll go back to your boyfriend and say, "You do think about other girls naked, don't you? I asked Professor Theophilus, and he said so."

I won't play that game. On the other hand, there's something interesting and worth addressing in the obsession that's driving your question. We might put it like this. A normal man finds it highly interesting to contemplate the female body. How should such interest be viewed? Is it all about sex?

When the medieval thinkers had to deal with tangled questions, they began by making distinctions. You make me feel very medieval, because I have to make distinctions too. A normal man finds it highly interesting to contemplate the female body, but there are different kinds of interest, and they don't all come down to sexual desire.

For that matter, even sexual desire isn't just one kind of thing but several. One sort of man may desire merely sexual arousal and release. For that, the woman herself is almost irrelevant; he can have what he wants without her. What true lovers seek is something different. What they desire is union; they want to give themselves and to join themselves. The union of their bodies is an aspect of the union of their lives. That's why they get married. These two "sexual desires" are physiologically identical, but different in every other way.

But that's about sex. I was saying that it's not all about sex. So what else is it about? Did I mention that men find women beautiful? Surprisingly enough, it is true. The heart of a man who loves classical ballet is moved by the grace of the woman's movements in an entirely different way than it is by the grace of the man's. Obviously this is connected with the difference of sex, but that doesn't mean that it's about wanting to have sex with her. And did I mention that men are stirred by the mystery of the woman's beauty? Any man who is not a barbarian is awed by the self-contained serenity of the figure in Vermeer's painting "Woman Holding a Balance."² The sense of inwardness that her image evokes is strongly connected with her being a woman — a man's figure wouldn't do — but this isn't about imagining her in bed.

How can I explain these things, so obvious, and yet so invisible to those who think that "it's all about sex"? Difference of sex makes a difference, but what kind? Perhaps I should leave it at this: To a man, women seem to glow in more hues than men do. In different ones too. The spectrum is wider, the world has more color, because of their presence in it, especially the presence of the beloved. Of course there are certain things which a normal man prefers to do with other men, like playing tackle football. Yet the very light and air seem to change when a woman leaves the room, and all men know it. Obviously this fact is connected with her bodily presence, but it isn't about imagining her naked.

If you're finished with all these distinctions, I've got another. I said that a man's fascination in the beauty, the mystery, the sheer physical presence of women "isn't about" sexual desire. That's true in one sense, but of course it's false in another. Here's how it's true: Delighting in the beauty of the woman isn't the same thing as desiring her sexually. Here's how it's false: Although it isn't the same as desiring her sexually, it may lead to that. And here is how it's dangerously false: In a fallen world, it often does.

For this reason — and because the young man is sloshing with testosterone, and because his sight and his mind are connected differently than yours are, and because he lives in a society that hounds him and harries him with images of lust — a young man who wants to be chaste must govern his eyes and his thoughts very carefully. I have no way of knowing whether your young man is doing that. I hope he is.

For you, though, the more important thing is to govern your own thoughts more carefully. You seem to be at least as susceptible to the temptation of lewd images as you think he is. For him, they come in through the eyes; for you, they come in through the mind. He shouldn't fill his thoughts with pictures of naked girls — if he is. And you should stop filling your thoughts with pictures of him doing so.

Peace be with you,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

WHAT DO I DO?

I'm 20 years old and a Christian. My boyfriend is also a Christian. We've been together for a long time, we've been committed to each other since the beginning, and we wanted to get married. But my parents are against us getting married because they want me to finish my studies. I'm doing my third and final year at university, next year I'll be doing my honors. I love him and I do want us to get married soon. We've committed sin — over and over again. We've been having sex for six months. I got pregnant and also had a miscarriage. My family doesn't know about this or even the fact that I'm sexually active. I feel guilty but I don't know what to do. I realize the right thing would be to get married. But I'm scared my parents won't support me in my decision. Yet I feel like a hypocrite, worse than a hypocrite. Am I too young to get married? I love him and I want to be married to him, especially after this. Another thing is that my father doesn't want to pay for my tuition fees anymore. We were planning to get married this year, but my dad is pressuring me to attend a university close to home, which means I'll be far from my boyfriend. Must I be open to them? I'm scared that it'll jeopardize my studies and my relationship.

Reply:

You say you don't know what to do, but you say you do know the right thing to do. Do you mean that there might be something to do besides the right thing? No. Just do the right thing.

But what is the right thing? You say, "I realize the right thing would be to get married .... Am I too young to get married?" Twenty isn't too young to get married; I was married at nineteen. But that's not the question. Whether to get married is Issue Two. You're still at Issue One: Whether to keep having sex. The envelope, please. Hmmm. It says here, "No."

Please don't tell me you haven't figured that out. You've already had a miscarriage, and you feel guilty because you aren't living the way you know you should. If you know that already, then why not start living the right way?

By the way, you aren't telling me everything. When you say that you've "been together" with the guy, what do you mean? Are you living with him? If so, move out. You have the strength to move out; you have the strength to stop having sex with him; you don't have the strength to stop having sex with him if you don't move out. Don't tell yourself you do. No one does.

Between the lines of your letter, I get the message that your parents know, or think they know, a lot more than you think they know. They're terrified that you'll ruin your life. Isn't that why they're trying to get you to change schools, and isn't that why they're talking about cutting off tuition? The good news is that if you stop having sex, stop living with your boyfriend (if you are), level with your parents, and promise them not to drop out, things will go better with them, too.

C O F F E E  S H O P

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Know what else? Your mind will become more lucid. With a cleared-up mind, a cleared-up conscience, and a cleared-up relationship with your folks, you'll be in a much better position to consider things like whether to get married and where to go to school. Your mother and father might even help the two of you develop a plan.

Peace be with you,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS