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Ask Theophilus: Odds and Ends (But Mostly Odds)

HOME FOR CHRISTMAS

Dear Professor Theophilus:

I thoroughly enjoyed your Office Hours column "Unmerry Christmas." My own situation is a little bit different, because everyone in my family except me is an atheist. At Christmastime, they deck the house out in Christmas stuff and play Christmas carols round-the-clock — but at the same time, they make a point of mocking Jesus and His followers! Back in high school, my decision to become a Christian provoked such serious arguments with my father and stepmother that I'm on don't-talk-about-faith terms with them. Even at other times of year the situation can be difficult. Once, when my stepsister saw a bumper sticker that said "Jesus loves you," she exclaimed that she hated the driver for it. But it gets worse when I'm home for the holidays.

I love my family and it hurts me to hear them talk like this. Please, give me some idea of how to speak for Jesus in such a way that they won't mock what I say and shut me out! I'd love to be able to take a stand without seeming obnoxious or self-righteous, but I know that if I do they'll get angry, and I'm afraid I won't be able to handle the situation gracefully.

Reply

I sympathize; the situation sounds unpleasant. But although your situation is a little different than the one in "Unmerry Christmas," the advice in that story is right for you too. True, Peter's family weren't angry atheists like yours, but at bottom the problem was the same: They wanted to have Christmas without Christ, or at least without much of Him.

Here's how I advised Peter: To be charitable, humble, grateful, and forbearant toward his family; to rejoice in their good qualities, and show his appreciation for them; to be actively helpful by doing things like running errands and washing all the dishes without being asked; to go on about his Christian business, like worshipping at church on Christmas Eve, without calling attention to himself; and not to try to force his family to be what they aren't. You can do all of those things, plus one extra: Pray for your family. Do it without ceasing. Leave it to God Himself to decide how to answer your prayers.

I know you want to do something more. You want to hurry God. You want to "make a stand." My heart goes out to you. But believe me, practicing love to your family is making a stand. They know you're a Christian; it isn't necessary to talk Christ if they aren't yet ready to hear Christ. If they grow irritated with you even for loving them, just love them even more.

By the way, if they want to sing Christmas carols, join them! Why not? You might ask them some year why they sing them, but don't fret about the fact that they don't believe them. There may be more going on in their hearts than you think. Considering how angrily they fight against Jesus, perhaps they are feeling His pull. Would you rather that they be indifferent? Who knows what the Holy Spirit can do? You may all end up saints. Have a blessed Advent and a merry Christmas.

Peace be with you,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

HOME FOR HALLOWEEN

Dear Professor Theophilus:

OK, today my friend sent me a photo of her dining room with three ghostly faces in it. It really freaked me out. I asked her if she or her sister had done anything that would "open the door" to evil spirits. She said no, but she used to practice witchcraft, and she's obsessed with the occult. You know those television shows about supposedly haunted houses where some weirdo guy points to some thingamabob to see if there is a temperature change? She loves that stuff. She also reports hearing voices and feeling pokes at night, she goes in for things like horoscopes, and she fantasizes that her house may be on top of an Indian burial ground.

She's concerned about what's going on (obviously a demon — duh), but I think she's missing the big picture, I mean the spiritual picture. I've prayed with her, but what else should I do? Should she invite a minister over to pray over her whole house? It gives me the creeps just to go to her house now. I want to pray every time I go from one room into another.

Reply

First, calm down. Yes, of course, involvement with occultic practices can open the door to malign spiritual influences. However, when you say that your friend's house is infested by a demon, you are jumping to conclusions. The photo means nothing at all; image-processing software is so cheap and easy to use that even an amateur like me can add ghosts to his family portraits. As for the rest of the story, you have nothing to go on but what she tells you, and she obviously has an overactive imagination.

Second, consider the evidence you do have. There is no reason to think that there are ghosts in your friend's house, but you have plenty of evidence that she's fascinated by the idea and wants you to be fascinated too. The most alarming factor in the spiritual situation isn't ghosts, but the fact that your friend finds the idea of ghosts so enchanting. She is so starved for spiritual meaning (not to mention attention and excitement) that the prospect of a spook in the living room seems attractive.

What should you do? If your friend's house creeps you out, then socialize at your place instead. Just be a friend and a Christian. Chill with the ghostly stuff. Talk about other things. If she brings in the ghostlies herself, point out that if she were really worried about them she'd give up her occultist hobbies and move out of her house. If her psychological condition deteriorates, encourage her to seek help. Let her know that if she ever becomes serious about spiritual matters, you'd be glad to tell her about Christ.

Peace be with you,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

DOES IT EVER GET BETTER?

Dear Professor Theophilus:

I'm pursuing a Ph.D. in English literature at a secular research university. For the most part my professors and colleagues are very open to my academic discussions of faith. I've found a local community of believers and joined a weeknight discussion group organized by the church. I really enjoy interacting with both Christians and nonbelievers in an academic setting. I like my field in itself, I enjoy teaching, and I've had the joy of seeing many of my friends become Christians as they interacted with thoughtful believers trying to be faithful in the academy.

All the same, I think about quitting the field weekly, maybe daily. Everyone in my program who takes work seriously at all seems to be neglecting friends and family and sleeping 5-6 hours a night, just to get by. The sheer amount of work the program expects of students is incredible.

I'd like to have more time to be involved in my church, do volunteer work, and maybe even cook a meal and enjoy it with friends. Though I'm fighting, I can also feel the burden of work stifling my relationship with God. It's really hard to do more than skim through a Psalm in the morning and then start work. Though I take Sundays off, it's hard to sustain whatever thinking I do about God throughout the week.

I guess what I'm asking is: Does it ever get better? Will I ever have more time? Or is the graduate school lifestyle the same one I can expect in my academic career?

Reply

Of course it's possible that you shouldn't be in graduate school, but you don't give much reason for thinking that this is the case. To start with: Yes, it gets better. Frankly, though, it doesn't sound too bad for you now. You obviously find time for worship and other church activities several times a week. You obviously have time for friends, or you couldn't have had the joy of seeing "many" of them turn to Christ. You just want more of these good things. I can hardly blame you, but we can't have everything at once. What about losing sleep? Five hours is a little stiff, but six hours a night, at your age, for a few years, doesn't sound so bad to me. People who are in at the start of something new and big often lose sleep. Newlyweds do. New parents do. People beginning new careers or businesses do. People organizing volunteer ministries do. People in love do. Converts do. Should we be surprised that grad students do too?

I said a few moments ago that it gets better. Let me fine-tune that statement. It can get better, but that depends largely on you. Perhaps these two reflections will help you.

First, about grad school itself. Needless to say, it isn't easy, but even so, many grad students work harder and lose more sleep than they need to. Ironically, the commonest reason is that they are so smart. All through high school and college, they were the ones who breezed by while others had to toil. Grad school is often the first time in their lives that they've really had to work the way other students have had to. Suddenly they're forced to learn the time management habits that everyone else learned years earlier. Put all this together with the fact that for the first time in their lives, everyone around them is just as smart as they are, and what do you get? A recipe for insecurity, an urge to overwork, and a motive not to take the time to learn the habits that would make it all easier — they take too much time to learn.

You keep telling yourself that you don't have time to sleep because you have so much to do. But the less you sleep, the slower you work — and the more the work piles up, the less you sleep. Naturally, you get sick. The prospect of losing time to illness terrifies you, so you refuse to take time out to rest. Because you do refuse, the illness lasts for weeks instead of days, and you lose more time still. May I point out the obvious? None of this is necessary. It's driven by anxiety, not need.

Second, about spiritual discipline. The sanctification of everyday life is difficult; everyone finds it hard to sustain a focus on God throughout the week, not just grad students. Having too much work makes it hard — how right you are! But believe me, not having enough work would make it harder still.

I commend you for wanting more quiet time to pray, but you already have far more than you think. You can pray while you're walking to school; you can pray while you're riding the bus; you can pray while you're making your dinner. True, you won't always be able to pray in words — you'd find it hard to do that while talking with your thesis supervisor — but you can have a prayerful spirit even then. When Paul writes "Pray constantly"¹ — literally, "without ceasing" — I don't think he's talking about having a longer quiet time, though that's good too. I think he's talking about the cultivation of an interior quietness of soul that makes it possible to pray literally all the time. May I once again point out the obvious? Progress in interior quietness will also help you in time management, because the place that anxiety once filled is more and more filled up by God.

As I said before, perhaps you shouldn't be in graduate school — perhaps you aren't as well suited to the academic life as you seem to be — but I don't think so. I think your problems can be fixed. Yes, it gets better — even when it gets harder, as sometimes it will. That's how the path goes. I don't mean the path of scholars, though scholars should follow it too. I mean the path of God.

Peace be with you,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

I DON'T LIKE IT HERE

Dear Professor Theophilus:

I'm a freshman in college at a university run by a certain Christian denomination, but I really don't like it. The longer I'm here, the more I feel like I'm getting theology shoved down my throat. I'm not really in college with any particular goals in mind: I'm kind of just here because I'm not sure what else to do. So does it make sense to leave? I think the college experience has benefited me, but I find myself becoming more and more resentful of the "Christian" part of it. I have to take many more ministry/theology classes as a part of my general requirements, and I'm really not interested. I really need advice: I don't want to make a decision I'm going to regret, especially considering the investment.

Reply

The question you need to ask yourself is why you resent "the Christian part of it." No, I'm not scolding you. Your reasons for resenting the theology requirements may be either good or bad, but you have to find out what they are. Here are some of the possibilities:

1. The real problem is although you recognize the value of college, you're just not ready for college right now, and the theology requirements are an easy target for your resentment about everything in general.
2. The real problem is that you prefer a shallow faith, and you resent the theology courses because they urge you to cast your net in deeper waters.
3. The real problem is that although you do want a deeper faith, you resent the theology courses for pushing you faster than you can go.
4. The real problem is that something is wrong with the theology taught in those courses. It doesn't answer your questions, or it answers them poorly, or it just doesn't have the aroma of Christ.
5. The real problem is that your theology courses are designed for people who are going into church-related professions, and that's just not your calling.

Don't answer quickly. Take all the time that you need. Think; ponder; pray. You need to be sure of your answer.

If the answer is number 1, drop out of college for awhile. Get a job, work hard, be responsible, save money. If you live at home, pay room and board. After a few years, think about college again. You may feel differently than you do now.

If the answer is number 2, try to understand why you don't want to cast your net in deeper waters. That's like preferring less life to more life. Perhaps there is a professor or counselor at the college you could talk to about this.

If the answer is number 3, I suggest that you change schools — not to one that doesn't push you spiritually (because we all need that kind of push), but to one that pushes at a pace you can keep up with.

If the answer is number 4, you should probably consider not just a different school, but a different denomination. Notice that I said "consider"; I'm not telling you to do it. By all means hold onto Christ, but seek a place where you can find all of His truth.

If the answer is number 5, look for a university where the theology requirements are geared to people more like you — people who are serious about their faith, but not called to professions in the church.

Probably, possibly, if! I hope you weren't looking for a simple answer, because I haven't given you one. But maybe I've guided you to the right questions.

Peace be with you,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

C O F F E E  S H O P

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Do you anticipate dealing with any family problems when you go home for the holidays?

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If you have a question you'd like Professor Theophilus to consider for this column, please send it to asktheo@trueu.org. Please note, all questions selected for "Ask Theophilus" may be edited for clarity and privacy, and become the property of Focus on the Family.