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Office Hours: Don't Mention It

"Prof," said Zack, "I've got a problem."

"It's hard to believe in problems on a lovely day like this." We were crossing the Main Quad on our way back from a lecture by a visiting cosmologist. The sky was like a porcelain bowl, and the trees in front of Somnium and Oscitant were in full flower, creamy white and blue.

"Nevertheless, Prof, I do."

"Is it anything I can help you with?"

"You can tell me what you think."

"Shoot."

"You knew that Julie and I have been wrestling with some religious questions and looking for a new place to worship."

"I also knew you've made a decision. Congratulations."

"You knew? Oh, right, Julie must have told you all about it. I know she's taking your class this semester, and she loves to talk."

"Does this mean —?"

"Yes. Now that the religious question is settled, we've set a date."

"That was the only thing holding you up, wasn't it?"

"Right."

"Wonderful news. May you have many years and many children."

"We hope to, thanks. Here's what I wanted to talk with you about. My parents are kind of freaked out."

"I thought they liked Julie."

"Oh, yeah, they're crazy about her. They also think it's 'time' — they married young. It's not the engagement they're freaked out about."

"What is it, then?"

"It's what kind of church we've finally settled on."

"What don't they like about it?"

"What do they like about it? I've never told you how I was brought up, have I?"

"Weren't you brought up in the same denomination that you're leaving?"

"Nope."

"Where, then?"

He told me. I gave a long, low whistle.

"Yeah," he said. "I thought you'd see the problem. Julie and I are really excited about the things we've been learning. We're absolutely sure we're in the right place. For us, the change has meant a closer relationship with Christ."

"But your parents don't see it that way."

"No. They think we're going off the deep end." Zack frowned. "I thank God for all they taught me growing up, but they have some blind spots too."

"Which spot do you have in mind?"

"Well, their church keeps a list of sects and religions that are sometimes called Christian but really aren't."

"Is that such a bad idea?"

"No, no. That's not the problem. The problem is that our new church is on it. Right next to Scientology and UFO cults."

"Wouldn't your old denomination have been on their blacklist too?"

"You'd think it would have been, wouldn't you?" said Zack. "Doctrinal standards were melting faster than wax in a fireplace. Ten Commandments? Resurrection? Scripture? All optional. That's why I left it. But I don't think my parents had ever heard of it. They probably assumed that it was just like theirs."

"How about your new church?"

"That is on their blacklist, and they think they know all about it. The problem is, everything they think they know about it is wrong."

"You can't blame your parents for worrying about you, Zack. There really are some strange sects out there.¹ Some young people do go off the deep end."

"Prof," said Zack, "I'm not a theological relativist. Doctrine matters. I'd be disappointed if my parents didn't care where I worshipped, how I lived, or what I believed. But you know the church that Julie and I are joining. You know what it teaches. You know it's Christian."

I smiled. "Yes, I do."

"If only they did too."

"Maybe you should count your blessings."

"What do you mean?"

"You might have had the opposite problem. Suppose your parents had been smug, secular, and religiously indifferent. Along you come you and Julie, saying 'Guess what? We've decided to follow Jesus.' They think you've gone around the bend because you actually think it matters what anyone believes about Jesus Christ."

Zack laughed. "That's different than our problem, all right. But I still don't see why you say we should count our blessings."

"You should count them because your problem is much more tractable than that one. At least your parents are worried for better reasons."

"I suppose — but how does that make it more tractable?"

"They already agree with you about the importance of following Christ, don't they? They're just worried that you aren't following Him. You only have to show them that you are."

He laughed again. "You make it sound so easy! Just how am I supposed to do that?"

"You said that the problem is merely that everything they think they know about your new church is wrong. If so, then all you have to do is enumerate their misconceptions, and correct them."

"That assumes that they'll listen."

"Have you tried to talk with them? What happened?"

"They won't let me get anywhere near the subject. The attitude is 'Don't mention it.' They're in total denial that we're having a problem at all."

"In that case, how do you know you are having one?"

"Partly because of the look on their faces when I first told them where we've been worshipping. Partly because of the way they changed the subject. Partly because they still avoid it. And partly because I know what their church says about mine."

"Have you tried to talk about the subject again since that day?"

"Well, I cornered my Mom one day. I said, 'I can tell that you and Dad are upset, and I think we need to talk about my church.' She sat down and said 'Go ahead.' It was like playing tennis with someone who wouldn't hit the ball back. She looked at me with big serious eyes for a while, then said she had to start dinner."

"How about your father?"

"I tried to talk to him the next day. He's a pretty upfront sort of guy. You can talk with him — you know? This time, though, he was a little more upfront than I'd expected. He cut me off before I could even get started. 'Listen,' he said, 'I don't want to hear any of that nonsense. And don't ever let me hear again that you made your mother cry.'"

I lifted my eyebrows. "You hadn't mentioned that part."

"I swear, Prof, I never even saw her eyes getting red, or I would have stopped right away. She must have been crying later, when she talked with him."

"Difficult."

"You can say that again. Any ideas?"

"A few. Zack, your parents are still in shock. By your own statement, they aren't behaving normally. I think you need to back off. Don't force the discussion. Give them some time to get used to the news you've given them. I don't say that they'll be happier later on, but they'll almost certainly be more willing to talk than they are now."

"Give them time? We haven't got time."

"All times seem too short or too long. Be patient."

"C'mon, Professor T, impatience has nothing to do with it. Look, it would be different if I weren't engaged, but Julie and I are going to be married now. I don't need to tell you where the wedding is going to take place!"

"In your new church, of course. So?"

"We don't want my parents to be weeping through the ceremony. We have to deal with this problem now."

"But Zack, they don't want your wedding day to be a day of weeping either. You told me yourself how much they like Julie and how glad they are that the two of you are engaged. I don't think you realize what a strong motive that gives them to have the matter out with you ahead of time."

"They sure don't act motivated."

"Not yet. That's just because things haven't sunk in yet. Here's another thing you haven't thought of. They're already thinking of their future grandchildren. Do you suppose they want to jeopardize their relationship with them?"

"Do you really think they're thinking about grandchildren already?"

"What are you now? Twenty-four?"

"Twenty-five."

"They've probably been thinking about grandchildren for years."

"No!"

"Yes! Let me tell you something else that will surprise you. One of the reasons they won't openly criticize your new church is that they're afraid that bringing the disagreement out in the open will jeopardize their relationship with their grandchildren."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Then I haven't a chance of getting them to thaw."

"On the contrary. Pretty soon it will occur to them that silence is much riskier than speech. When that happens, of course they'll want to have it out with you."

"So you advise me just to wait?"

"I didn't say just to wait. In the meantime, prepare."

"How?"

"First by praying."

"Like that isn't obvious."

"People often do forget the obvious. Second, get your arguments in order."

"What do you mean?"

"You said your parents have misconceptions, but you also said that your Dad is an upfront sort of guy. If so, then once he thaws out enough to talk, his misconceptions will probably come out all at once. He'll say something like 'Son, here's my problem. Your church does A, believes B, and teaches C. All those things are against the word of God.' You have to be ready to answer, 'If that's what you think, Dad, I can see why you're worried. But what we actually do is X, what we actually believe is Y, and what we actually teach is Z. All those things are faithful to the word of God, and I'll be glad to show how, if you want me to."

"They won't be convinced that I'm right."

"They don't have to be convinced that you're right. They only have to be convinced that you're Christian. You're intelligent and well-informed about your faith; you don't need me to tell you how to talk. Just explain frankly and respectfully why you and Julie have made this decision."

He sighed and slowed his pace. We were just coming up to my building. "I may be intelligent and well-informed, but I wish I had a box of sure-fire logical moves, guaranteed to produce conviction in the mind of every listener."

"There aren't any such moves, and that's not what you need anyway. Are you coming in?"

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"No, I have to do some work at the library." Zack grinned. "You seem pretty sure about what I don't need. According to you, what do I need?"

I returned his smile. "Just three things: Faith, hope, and love. Maybe God is offering you practice."